Family

Today we spent the day with family. It was good, but do you ever have these days when you just want to be home. No extra smile, no chit chat. I was just tired. It was pleasant, but all day a part of me was jsut screaming to go home. I love my life, but sometimes I just want a break from all the demands of being me. Especially with little ones, I think it's common to feel like someone is always needing and taking something from you. Today I'm just tired. Not cranky or crabby, just tired and wishing to go off for a long drive with my husband and just be Renae, no strings attached. Do any of you wish for those days?

P.S. Kristi, apparently I need an invite to access your blog.

P.P.S. Sarah Canney, this blog probably frustrates you because there is no little one needing you constantly right now. I am sorry. I can't comprehend how difficult this is for you. But my heart aches for you and I will try to hold my own chlidren tighter and smile more often and laugh at their beauty.

Long time but we're moving forward

Maybe I'll get back into this, but probably not anytime soon. Mothering two is way different than mothering one. But they are phenomenal. We got a new computer so now I can actually put on pics. Here they are-the beautiful Antolick children!! How is everyone?

New life

I know, I know, it's been a long time. And here I am only going to write a smidge. We had a baby girl September 4, 2008. Nora Grace Margorie is her name and she is beautiful, happy, and content. Mac is great with her and Jon and I have adapted well to two children. I feel great emotionally and am just shocked to have a son and daughter. We are blessed. Nothing else is new, but a baby is enough! Please pray for us-we are feeling lonely. Our church closed last Christmas and we haven't found a new one. Also, we just don't have many friends-particularly, those of faith. Hope everyone is having a happy holiday season! Renae

Long time

It's been a long time since I've sat down to write at the computer-for all you moms, you know how it goes-especially at the holidays. But I wanted you all to know that I do think of you and pray for you and hope thatyour lives have been full of joy and wonder. It is so easy to let things just be what they are and seem a bit mucky or grey. But the beauty of having a 2 year old is that everything is amazing in their eyes and once in a while we get a glimpse of how good life really is.
Everyone is well here. Mac and I just got over a 6 day bought with a stomach bug. I have never been so sick in my life. I thought I had food poisening. I even called in my mom to take care-who did so joyfully and than preceeded to get sick and pass it onto my dad-oh the sacrifice of parenting! Jon has been healthy and we thank God for that! Mac is now in a whiney phase after a week of anything goes. I'm trying to get him back on schedule, but it's difficult to be motivated. I am still very tired and queasy because-Merry Christmas-I am 10 weeks pregnant! The baby is due at the end of August. We are happy and nervous. With the emotional turmoil we expereinced with Mac, I'm trying to just trust and pray and know that every mothering expereince is different. I was sick with Mac for 8 months of my pregnancy and this one has been going the same way-so, for those of you who think about us, please pray that I would start feeling better-I know that that is really affecting my emotional status.
Winter is cold and keeping us in a lot. I try to take Mac to the Children's Museum once a week to get out of the house. Jon takes him outside on the weekends-there are some nice trails to walk along not far from here and a park that Mac still enjoys at 25degrees.
Not much more to write. We are healthy, have food on the table, and a roof over our heads. I do not ask for anything more.

Relief

I was looking at Mac today as I spoke with a friend on the phone and was just very grateful for all the difficulties and hard times that have come in the 21 months of his life. Because of his being I have had to face the realities of a depression and post-tramitic stress that other wise I had been denying. The past 6 weeks have held unfathomable healing and new light. For those who read the prior blog, I did go the therapist two days after I wrote and have felt like different person since. We did prayer therapy and asked that God would show me the truth and light of where He was in some past experiences. He did and I have felt a huge weight lifted from around my neck. I also semi-quit my job. I now only work 2hours a week in the evening. I have scaled back on the "shoulds" in my life and all being more disciplined about taking care of myself through play, prayer, and community. It is always a balancing act, but our family is happier and I feel that I can move forward in life with hope expectation. Right now I can say that Life is Good.

Still working

This week was McKinneys first week of daycare and he seems to be very happy. No tears, no fuss, happy to see us when we pick him up, but otherwise thrilled with new toys and a gaggle of boys to watch and play with. I'm a little sad, but realize that this is a positive for him and the majority of his days and life is still with me.

Work has been a bit easier. Yesterday I had an anxiety attack though and it I stumbled upon some interesting thoughts on which to stew. From some past experience that I will not go into I have post-tramatic stress disorder. The stress is triggered whenever there is an expectation-or percieved expectation upon me-whether self imposed, or by anyone else. I am convinced I will fail, that I am not enough, never will be, and should run and hide and remove myself completely from anything that I may possibly not be able to do perfectly-which equals a lot of stuff. I used to be a very self-confident person-or maybe I should say, I beleived in myself. I knew what I was good at, wasn't afraid of a challenge and felt strong. Now I feel like a shakey little snail hiding in a shell in a dark part of the sea. I do not want to feel this way, but it permeates, and also sneaks up.

So, I think it's back to the therapist for me.

Renae

I haven't quit, yet

No, I haven't quit my job, at least not yet. I did however talk with my employeers and tell them that I was still having a hard time transitioning but that I wanted to give myself a little more time. Mac starts daycare next week, my hours change a little, and fall begins with is both a relfreshing and difficult time of year for me. So we shall see. I've also been reading A Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and when I run the numbers for our finances, my little income does help. And thinking that we could be debt free in 2-3 years (except for our house) if I continue working is at least a reason to work. So, things are stewing in my mind. It's going to come down to whether or not working makes our hoem happier. Up until now, it hasn't, but like I said, I want to give it a bit more time. I am also going on a women's retreat in September and I'm praying that God would open my eyes to what my purpose is and how to fulfill that.

So, that's the update. I need to go shower before work. It's been a good morning though-finished digging a new flower garden, spot cleaned the living room carpet, took Mac to the park, ran to the store for a few groceries, made a smoked fish spread, two loads of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and am going to quick wash some pots. Funny how when you write it down it looks so impressive, but when Jon comes home tonight and asks how my day went I'll write this off as not important. Oh! There truly is always something to do and no matter how little, it makes a house a home!

Have great days!

Renae