Thank you to everyone who responded to my rantings late last night. I can't say I'm in any more certain place at this moment, but it is so good to have friends who will interject and reflect back to me(good Neilson skills). I really needed to see these 4comments tonight when I opened the blog. A bit of hope is what I am calling it.
Today was not quite so bad, but this could be because my in-laws had been at our house for 14 hours, I was running on 5 hours of sleep and work was a haven. I still have 5 more in-law days to go, so please say a prayer for me. As much as I love my in-laws they truly drive me crazy. Jon knows this and understands and is incredibly patient with me.
I am debating on quiting or telling them exactly how I feel and asking to have one more month to see if it gets better. Should I do that though? Should I involve them in my decision at all? It would give them knowledge that might help them to prepare if I leave, but than they might treat me different. Plus, I don't really think I will feel different. Maybe, but it's been three months and it has only gotten harder, not easier. With the in-laws here, I don't want to make a rash decision-I'm also hormonal and sleep deprived and have not had a moment to have a private calm conversation with my husband. I will post again tomorrow.
Thank you everyone for your support of "I don't know" and "Just quit". Thank you thank you thank you. This is truly what I feel. It is amazing how friendship can come through the distance.
May love to you all in your own struggles. Sweet dreams on this cool starry summer night.
Renae
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
12:13am
So I've been lying in bed the past two hours like I've done every night for the past two weeks and finely decided it was no use: I am awake. Jon may be sleeping, but I am not and it is irritating to keep realizing that my mind is simply awake and it is not going to shut off any time soon. So maybe if I blog I will feel released to sleep.
I want to quit my job. I work for great people, the environment is friendly and encouraging. The benefits are good and the hours are minimal, still, I want to quit. I have decided I like being home. Yes, it is difficult to be home daily on my own with a 1 year old, but I want it back. I want my freedom to choose every day what we're going to do. I want to let him sleep when he wants and to be able to take a nap too. I want to cook my family meals every night. And mostly I just don't want to be tired and so overwhelmed at the end of a work day so that I am irritated and ungrateful for the family that I come home to and serve. Jon would be fine with me quiting, but I'm not okay with it. I feel that by quiting I am failing. I am failing to be all that so much of the world is. I am failing to be the supermom that I know some woman love being. I am disappointed by who I am- a woman who needs down time and personal space and flexibility and freedom and a very simple life. Even though I don't believe it, there's a part of me that believes that for me to be only a housewife and mother is to be lazy. I would never think it of other women, but I think it of myself. I also hate confrontation and disapointing others and I think of how this would make ripples in the office. They's have to find someone to replace me. And I know that seems miniscule but in my mind(a people pleasing mind) it is huge. And I know Mac would like to socialize with other kids at daycare which is lacking in our one child home. And the little bit of extra money does help.
But I dread working most days. Is it just not the right fit. So much of it looks so right, but it just feels wrong for me. I know that if I was hearing a friend say all of this, I would tell them it's not worth the misery, but it's so hard to take our own advice. And i beleive in God. I beleive He would make a way smooth for me to quit, would provide for our needs and bless us regardless of me working. But my faith is small, very very very small. It is hard to believe and yet God continually gives and surprises me and loves me...tenderly, gently, kindly, passionately, patiently, perfectly.
What I want right now is for someone to tell me to do something. I do not like making decisions. This could be part of the depression, or hormones, or just of me not knowing who I am anymore. But I want to know. I truly want to know. And I am beginning to take steps in the right direction. Maybe quiting will be one of those steps. I just don't know.
I want to quit my job. I work for great people, the environment is friendly and encouraging. The benefits are good and the hours are minimal, still, I want to quit. I have decided I like being home. Yes, it is difficult to be home daily on my own with a 1 year old, but I want it back. I want my freedom to choose every day what we're going to do. I want to let him sleep when he wants and to be able to take a nap too. I want to cook my family meals every night. And mostly I just don't want to be tired and so overwhelmed at the end of a work day so that I am irritated and ungrateful for the family that I come home to and serve. Jon would be fine with me quiting, but I'm not okay with it. I feel that by quiting I am failing. I am failing to be all that so much of the world is. I am failing to be the supermom that I know some woman love being. I am disappointed by who I am- a woman who needs down time and personal space and flexibility and freedom and a very simple life. Even though I don't believe it, there's a part of me that believes that for me to be only a housewife and mother is to be lazy. I would never think it of other women, but I think it of myself. I also hate confrontation and disapointing others and I think of how this would make ripples in the office. They's have to find someone to replace me. And I know that seems miniscule but in my mind(a people pleasing mind) it is huge. And I know Mac would like to socialize with other kids at daycare which is lacking in our one child home. And the little bit of extra money does help.
But I dread working most days. Is it just not the right fit. So much of it looks so right, but it just feels wrong for me. I know that if I was hearing a friend say all of this, I would tell them it's not worth the misery, but it's so hard to take our own advice. And i beleive in God. I beleive He would make a way smooth for me to quit, would provide for our needs and bless us regardless of me working. But my faith is small, very very very small. It is hard to believe and yet God continually gives and surprises me and loves me...tenderly, gently, kindly, passionately, patiently, perfectly.
What I want right now is for someone to tell me to do something. I do not like making decisions. This could be part of the depression, or hormones, or just of me not knowing who I am anymore. But I want to know. I truly want to know. And I am beginning to take steps in the right direction. Maybe quiting will be one of those steps. I just don't know.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Was there July?
I really don't remember the last month. It has been so crazy and hot. I always think I like summer, but than can't recall what I loved. Oh, okay, maybe there are a few things in general I can point to-swimming, bonfires, grilling, meals with friends...but the specifics are hazy. Maybe the heat has friend my brain.
Tuesdays are my day off, so I'm sitting here while Mac naps contemplating the good things in my life, the anxieties on my mind, and what I hope for in the future.
Good things: 1) I found a radio show on cassette that will make Jon VERY HAPPY. For those of you who grew up listening to christian childrens radio programs you may know it-The Pond. I found it at a bookstore that was going out of business and only paid $5 for 5 hours of tape. When we lived out east, Jon intraduced me to it and we'd listen to it every Saturday over breakfast. Now Mac will have that same experience as his daddy did growing up. 2) McKinney is interestedin books. At least, Curious George books. For the past 19months when we have read a book our son would kick, scream, run, throw..you name it he did it other than sit and look and listen. But two weeks ago he became enthralled with George on the TV. He wakes up saying "Jorj, Jorj" and since it's only 7am there's a who hour for him to "be introduced to math and science concepts" through Curious George. This is the first time he's shown an interest or ability to sit still and watch something(not that I'm complaining). So I was at the library past week getting some fun music for Mac and looking longingly at the books my son would avoid like the plague, and it hit me, "Try a Curious George book". So I found two and brought them home. Low and Behold, my son likes books. We read Curious George and the Dump Truck 6-10times a day, but I am just so happy he will sit and look and listen. He even looks at them by himself while I'm in the shower. So Yeah for George. I am not an advocate for marketing to children, but this is a real blessing to us. Needless to say, we will be making a trip to hte bookstore this week to purchase our own copy of Curious George and the Dump Truck. 3)Ice cream. I will buy a gallon today to go with brownies. Nothing beats ice ceam on a hot summer night.
Anxieties: 1)Daycare. Mac starts home daycare next month and I am still having a hard time thinking about it. I should be home with him. I feel that it's my job. Even though working has made me enjoy the time I have with him more, I am stuck in this should mentality. There is a part of me that truly wants to be home fulltime with him, but the rational side sees the benefits of working. So I keep lifting it up before God. 2)Finances. We have a big doctors bill from Jon's surgery and the fact that we need my income is a little stressful. I'll be honest; I'd like it if we had excess money and I could lounge around home, buy lattes, and do whatever it is I'd like to do. That's not our reality though, and it's probably a good thing it's not. God has always provided for what we need(like a $900 check last month that paid most of our credit card debt)and so I don't fret over this much. 3)August. It is a super full month. In-laws are coming, we're leaving Mac with my parents so we can go camping, 10 year reunion......just busyness. I like to have more down time. Give me rest Oh God.
Hopes: 1)I'm really looking forward to camping with Jon. We need to reconnect adn talk about where we're at in life and where we want to go. Do we want more kids, to pursue missions, to live forever in MN..life thoughts and I love being with Jon and thinking of our futre together. 2)Pondering what it means to be me. Now that the depression is moving out, I'm wondering who I am and what it means to be me. Where do I want to be in 10 years. Is being a wife and mother fulfilling me, or is there another niche that I am longing to tap into as well.
So that's me and the present moment. How I'd like a new comptuer so it wouldn't take me all of nap time to connect with my friends. Sorry about not posting pictures. I don't know if I'll ever get around to it. I will try someday, honestly. Hope you are well. We miss you immensly and dream of a time when we can all gather under the stars in a wide open space with our family and yours and reminsce about old times and establish new stories.
Our love to you all!
Renae
Tuesdays are my day off, so I'm sitting here while Mac naps contemplating the good things in my life, the anxieties on my mind, and what I hope for in the future.
Good things: 1) I found a radio show on cassette that will make Jon VERY HAPPY. For those of you who grew up listening to christian childrens radio programs you may know it-The Pond. I found it at a bookstore that was going out of business and only paid $5 for 5 hours of tape. When we lived out east, Jon intraduced me to it and we'd listen to it every Saturday over breakfast. Now Mac will have that same experience as his daddy did growing up. 2) McKinney is interestedin books. At least, Curious George books. For the past 19months when we have read a book our son would kick, scream, run, throw..you name it he did it other than sit and look and listen. But two weeks ago he became enthralled with George on the TV. He wakes up saying "Jorj, Jorj" and since it's only 7am there's a who hour for him to "be introduced to math and science concepts" through Curious George. This is the first time he's shown an interest or ability to sit still and watch something(not that I'm complaining). So I was at the library past week getting some fun music for Mac and looking longingly at the books my son would avoid like the plague, and it hit me, "Try a Curious George book". So I found two and brought them home. Low and Behold, my son likes books. We read Curious George and the Dump Truck 6-10times a day, but I am just so happy he will sit and look and listen. He even looks at them by himself while I'm in the shower. So Yeah for George. I am not an advocate for marketing to children, but this is a real blessing to us. Needless to say, we will be making a trip to hte bookstore this week to purchase our own copy of Curious George and the Dump Truck. 3)Ice cream. I will buy a gallon today to go with brownies. Nothing beats ice ceam on a hot summer night.
Anxieties: 1)Daycare. Mac starts home daycare next month and I am still having a hard time thinking about it. I should be home with him. I feel that it's my job. Even though working has made me enjoy the time I have with him more, I am stuck in this should mentality. There is a part of me that truly wants to be home fulltime with him, but the rational side sees the benefits of working. So I keep lifting it up before God. 2)Finances. We have a big doctors bill from Jon's surgery and the fact that we need my income is a little stressful. I'll be honest; I'd like it if we had excess money and I could lounge around home, buy lattes, and do whatever it is I'd like to do. That's not our reality though, and it's probably a good thing it's not. God has always provided for what we need(like a $900 check last month that paid most of our credit card debt)and so I don't fret over this much. 3)August. It is a super full month. In-laws are coming, we're leaving Mac with my parents so we can go camping, 10 year reunion......just busyness. I like to have more down time. Give me rest Oh God.
Hopes: 1)I'm really looking forward to camping with Jon. We need to reconnect adn talk about where we're at in life and where we want to go. Do we want more kids, to pursue missions, to live forever in MN..life thoughts and I love being with Jon and thinking of our futre together. 2)Pondering what it means to be me. Now that the depression is moving out, I'm wondering who I am and what it means to be me. Where do I want to be in 10 years. Is being a wife and mother fulfilling me, or is there another niche that I am longing to tap into as well.
So that's me and the present moment. How I'd like a new comptuer so it wouldn't take me all of nap time to connect with my friends. Sorry about not posting pictures. I don't know if I'll ever get around to it. I will try someday, honestly. Hope you are well. We miss you immensly and dream of a time when we can all gather under the stars in a wide open space with our family and yours and reminsce about old times and establish new stories.
Our love to you all!
Renae
Friday, July 6, 2007
We're still here
Yes, I know it's been a while. The phrase, "lazy days of summer" don't seem to apply anymore. But it's been a good summer so far. Lots of sun, playing at the pool and visiting with family and friends.
So here's what's been happening:
I'm still adjusting to the whole working thing, although it's only three afternoons a week. Right now, someone comes to our house to watch Mac, but that will change in the fall and I think he'll be in a home daycare setting. I'm having a tough time thinking about that. Having a babysitter in our house feels very different from having him in daycare. I'm just trying to be patient and allow the Lord to bring everything together.
I started taking a nutritional supplement by a company called Metagenics for the depression and I've noticed a big difference. The hazy gray that seemed to be the undercurrent of my life, has cleared. I'm not jumping for joy, skipping rocks while singing a happy tune, but I feel better adn after 5 years a break in the clouds is like being given a new day. I have a little more energy and deifinately a lot more desire and ambition to do normal things. For any of you who are thinking of taking antidepressents I encourage you to look at teh natural options available.
Jon's getting bored at his job. It's a long commute and he does the same thing over and over agin. It's a good job, but we're praying for something even better and closer. He's been making some friends here in town-which is fantastic and they enjoy going on long bike rides on Satuday mornings, taking Mac in the pull-behind so I can have a little time for myself-Jon loves his daddy time.
Mac is growing up so big and handsome. He had his 18month check up today. 26lbs 2oz, 33inches tall, full of bruises and what looks like rug burn on his belly. I don't know how the belly burn happened. I went to put him in the tub last night and there it was all swollen and red. He cried when the water touched it and was out of the tub before I could scrub him up. Too bad, because he's in desperate need of a bath. Why do these things always happen right before a trip to the doctor. I pulled his shirt off in the office this morning and thought, please don't think this is my fault. He's a very happy, independant little boy. I 'll try to get pics up this weekend.
Not much more. Hope you all had a happy Fourth of July and that you find at least one day this summer that has the essense of what summer felt like when you were 10.
Renae
So here's what's been happening:
I'm still adjusting to the whole working thing, although it's only three afternoons a week. Right now, someone comes to our house to watch Mac, but that will change in the fall and I think he'll be in a home daycare setting. I'm having a tough time thinking about that. Having a babysitter in our house feels very different from having him in daycare. I'm just trying to be patient and allow the Lord to bring everything together.
I started taking a nutritional supplement by a company called Metagenics for the depression and I've noticed a big difference. The hazy gray that seemed to be the undercurrent of my life, has cleared. I'm not jumping for joy, skipping rocks while singing a happy tune, but I feel better adn after 5 years a break in the clouds is like being given a new day. I have a little more energy and deifinately a lot more desire and ambition to do normal things. For any of you who are thinking of taking antidepressents I encourage you to look at teh natural options available.
Jon's getting bored at his job. It's a long commute and he does the same thing over and over agin. It's a good job, but we're praying for something even better and closer. He's been making some friends here in town-which is fantastic and they enjoy going on long bike rides on Satuday mornings, taking Mac in the pull-behind so I can have a little time for myself-Jon loves his daddy time.
Mac is growing up so big and handsome. He had his 18month check up today. 26lbs 2oz, 33inches tall, full of bruises and what looks like rug burn on his belly. I don't know how the belly burn happened. I went to put him in the tub last night and there it was all swollen and red. He cried when the water touched it and was out of the tub before I could scrub him up. Too bad, because he's in desperate need of a bath. Why do these things always happen right before a trip to the doctor. I pulled his shirt off in the office this morning and thought, please don't think this is my fault. He's a very happy, independant little boy. I 'll try to get pics up this weekend.
Not much more. Hope you all had a happy Fourth of July and that you find at least one day this summer that has the essense of what summer felt like when you were 10.
Renae
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Oh!
And is there a way to signup for something that would automatically let me know when someone has updated their blog? We are so low-tech and I do not have the patience to figure it out on my own with our "lovely" dial-up connection today. Thanks
Night shift
So how many of you out there are sharing the child-rearing responsibilites by working odd hours so one parent can always be home with the child? Just wondering how it's working for those folks. We're considering having Jon take up nights in the fall so he would be home with Mac while I work afternoons. Will it really kill our family?
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Thanks
To the four ladies who wrote words of support and encouragement, Thank you. I am talking with my chiropractor today about some alternative depression meds and than I will be talking to my psychologist. Pray that we make the best decisions possible and that we find the right meds-I think that is my biggest concern. I keep thinking, "If I just hold on a little longer, it will get better-it's already gotten a little better, so just a little more time....." Than I look at my son and think, how many more days am I going to miss rejoicing over his life?
Liz, your story helps me the most today. Knowing that meds can really make me Feel Different-feel Happy. I can hardly remember what that feels like. So that is my hope for the future. I am so glad you sought help.
Kayla, we will pray for this pregnancy and for your willingness to let go of the things that hold you back from really living life-the book I mentioned would be really good for you to read.
Jo, while reading my book, I thought of you. We may not talk hardly ever, but I still consider you a dear friend.
Gwyn, yes, we do need breaks, and work is a good one. It's christian office and I feel very comfortable there.
So, my friends, another day. Ups and downs all around, but it sure feels good to have people who reach out there hands through words and let you know that they are there for you and care.
Many many thanks.
Liz, your story helps me the most today. Knowing that meds can really make me Feel Different-feel Happy. I can hardly remember what that feels like. So that is my hope for the future. I am so glad you sought help.
Kayla, we will pray for this pregnancy and for your willingness to let go of the things that hold you back from really living life-the book I mentioned would be really good for you to read.
Jo, while reading my book, I thought of you. We may not talk hardly ever, but I still consider you a dear friend.
Gwyn, yes, we do need breaks, and work is a good one. It's christian office and I feel very comfortable there.
So, my friends, another day. Ups and downs all around, but it sure feels good to have people who reach out there hands through words and let you know that they are there for you and care.
Many many thanks.
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