Check your socks

I feel like such a heel. This morning McKinney was his bright smiley self, until an hour into the day. Then hell came to earth. He was screaming and fussing and wouldn't be put down. Nothing could distract him, not even his toothbrush or telephone which are on a spiritual level in his world. I'm holding him and trying to get ready to leave for an early childhood class thinking everything a mom thinks when their child turns into a nightmare-is he sick, do his teeth hurt, are these growing pains, does he have an earache, is he still tired, hungry, wet, constipated? We go to class and he cries in the car, seems better at class, but still fussy, cries on the way home, when we get in the house, as I change his diaper......finally, I pull off his sock. On his little foot is a deep impression from a thread that had gotten caught around his little toe and pulled and pinched it. My poor baby. The worst thing, is that I thought about the sock. A little voice said, "Maybe the sock is bothering him." I even grabbed an extra pair as we were running out the door thinking I could check it when we got to school. But it seemed like such a minor, silly little thing, that I didn't follow the premonition. And for that my child suffered needlessly for two hours.

How often has this happened in my life? How often has the Spirit prompted and I've said "No, that's too simple to be the solution", or "That's silly", or "where did that thought come from" and ignored it. Many many Many Many Many Many times. And sometimes I've suffered for it and other times I've felt like a fool for it. How long will it take me to trust in and listen to the Life inside me that is so much wiser and gentler and kinder than myself? How long, Oh Lord?

On another note, a friend asked today how another friend of mine is doing who was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. I have been running so hard from Life Emotions that to respond has brought tears to the surface. I spend so much time evading the reality of emotions that are simmering in my soul.

Emotions make me uncomfortable and I have a difficult time making time for them because they seem to me uncontrolable and irrational and I don't now what to do with them. They feel wrong which is likely a result of growing up in a home where my parents didn't respond much to emotions. If I was really happy, I went to my room. If I was really sad, I went to my room. I didn't express my emotions to my parents because they didn't seem to know what to do with them-they would get upset or ignore tears, and downplay excitement. "Don't rock the boat" would be a good expression for my house. This is a BIG issue for me at thereapy. Changing my perspective about my emotions and allowing them to be whatever they are is a challenge and takes work...and I have been putting it off with busyness the last three weeks.

Betsy, who has ovarian cancer, is doing well. She has had 3 chemo treatments and although tired, has not gotten sick from them. Her body is respondig very well. We don't know what the future holds, but she has no fear of death. I truly believe that she is content with whatever her fate is. She lives in the present and is thankful for her past. She is Grace to me. I cannot think of this world without her; it hurts too much. I feel as if I need her here to keep me steady. When life is pressing in and I don't know how I will take one more breath, I stop at Betsy's and I gather enough stillness and thankfulness and love to go on again a little slower, and a little more steady. She is Christ to me. When you think of her, please say a prayer, that God's will would be done.

There is much more on my heart right now, but I this is all I want to bear right now.
Rainy Monday.