So I've been lying in bed the past two hours like I've done every night for the past two weeks and finely decided it was no use: I am awake. Jon may be sleeping, but I am not and it is irritating to keep realizing that my mind is simply awake and it is not going to shut off any time soon. So maybe if I blog I will feel released to sleep.
I want to quit my job. I work for great people, the environment is friendly and encouraging. The benefits are good and the hours are minimal, still, I want to quit. I have decided I like being home. Yes, it is difficult to be home daily on my own with a 1 year old, but I want it back. I want my freedom to choose every day what we're going to do. I want to let him sleep when he wants and to be able to take a nap too. I want to cook my family meals every night. And mostly I just don't want to be tired and so overwhelmed at the end of a work day so that I am irritated and ungrateful for the family that I come home to and serve. Jon would be fine with me quiting, but I'm not okay with it. I feel that by quiting I am failing. I am failing to be all that so much of the world is. I am failing to be the supermom that I know some woman love being. I am disappointed by who I am- a woman who needs down time and personal space and flexibility and freedom and a very simple life. Even though I don't believe it, there's a part of me that believes that for me to be only a housewife and mother is to be lazy. I would never think it of other women, but I think it of myself. I also hate confrontation and disapointing others and I think of how this would make ripples in the office. They's have to find someone to replace me. And I know that seems miniscule but in my mind(a people pleasing mind) it is huge. And I know Mac would like to socialize with other kids at daycare which is lacking in our one child home. And the little bit of extra money does help.
But I dread working most days. Is it just not the right fit. So much of it looks so right, but it just feels wrong for me. I know that if I was hearing a friend say all of this, I would tell them it's not worth the misery, but it's so hard to take our own advice. And i beleive in God. I beleive He would make a way smooth for me to quit, would provide for our needs and bless us regardless of me working. But my faith is small, very very very small. It is hard to believe and yet God continually gives and surprises me and loves me...tenderly, gently, kindly, passionately, patiently, perfectly.
What I want right now is for someone to tell me to do something. I do not like making decisions. This could be part of the depression, or hormones, or just of me not knowing who I am anymore. But I want to know. I truly want to know. And I am beginning to take steps in the right direction. Maybe quiting will be one of those steps. I just don't know.
Weekly Recipe
Cooked chickens in the deli are your friend
Jon and Mac
The Antolicks
- Jon and Renae
- Hastings, MN, United States
- Best friends and lovers attempting to be great parents with God's help to our 3 year old son and 8month old daughter.
4 comments:
Tough decision! I can't tell you what to do either.
There is no such thing as Supermom. I spent too much time trying to be her and it was pointless and self defeating. Listen to "Imagine Me" by Kirk Franklin. (Whether you like his music or not, just listen to it....)
Glad you posted again...I enjoy reading your thoughts and processing....
I'm sorry you're so unhappy with working...but quitting doesn't neccessarily mean failing. It seems like in this case you had two good options- working mom or stay at home mom. You gave working mom a good shot, and it's not for you. Now you know. If you hadn't tried it, you might always wonder "what if." I can't tell you what to do either, (oh, if only there was someone who could. I hate making decisions. I just want to be told what to do.) but don't feel like you've failed because you tried it and gave it your best shot.
"Super moms" are generally paying someone else to raise their children and their parrenting is more of a hobbie for the weekends.
If you want to be a full time mom do it.
Excuse me?!?! Staying at home all day with a 1-year-old IS a supermom!! And working on top of it and having no real regular schedule?? That makes you, well...super-supermom?? And likely a super TIRED mom! And yes, the decision-making problems are VERY much a result of PPD. One of the easiest-to-spot symptoms! So don't beat yourself up! I went back to work when Amberly was 6 weeks old, with Dane staying home even! And on the morning of my third day, I was in the office SOBBING...I couldn't do it!! I quit! I knew by my second day the PPD was on me full-force, but I just couldn't make it. It was the best decision for my family for me to quit, eventhough we had no income, with Dane having been laid off when Amberly was only 3 weeks old...because if they know I'm miserable and not enjoying myself, then I am not providing anything really beneficial to my famliy. And God blessed us despite what I saw as being a failure...he provided Dane with the BEST job he's EVER had, where their main priority is family-first. He loves his job, his boss, co-workers, benefits like we've never had, and hours that allow him to be home with us during tax season now. Honestly, I have been there...and several times. My last job just went like that, too...I was there a month, but a lot of my problem with it was their lack of integrity wasting my time away from my kids. It was a no-brainer for me to quit there. Anyway, I would say, if you don't need the money, quit. Because I know exactly where you're coming from. It's not worth it! And Mac will only be this young once! Enjoy your freedom with him, and if you really want him in a setting around other kids, join a playgroup or start a playgroup, or try out MOPS. Besides, Mac would obviously always choose to be with you over someone else:) So don't kick yourself...you're not a quitter or a failure...I understand the PPD and the way of thinking it brings. You'd probably be doing yourself (and your family) a huge favor, and when you're happy, so is everyone else..."When Mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!";) That's what my pastor always says, anyway:) And it's true, at least in our house!:) Seriously, I have those same feeling all over again, just reading this post. I'm with you. I get it. You want an answer? I say quit. Go be with that little boy:) And that IS a supermom!
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