Still working

This week was McKinneys first week of daycare and he seems to be very happy. No tears, no fuss, happy to see us when we pick him up, but otherwise thrilled with new toys and a gaggle of boys to watch and play with. I'm a little sad, but realize that this is a positive for him and the majority of his days and life is still with me.

Work has been a bit easier. Yesterday I had an anxiety attack though and it I stumbled upon some interesting thoughts on which to stew. From some past experience that I will not go into I have post-tramatic stress disorder. The stress is triggered whenever there is an expectation-or percieved expectation upon me-whether self imposed, or by anyone else. I am convinced I will fail, that I am not enough, never will be, and should run and hide and remove myself completely from anything that I may possibly not be able to do perfectly-which equals a lot of stuff. I used to be a very self-confident person-or maybe I should say, I beleived in myself. I knew what I was good at, wasn't afraid of a challenge and felt strong. Now I feel like a shakey little snail hiding in a shell in a dark part of the sea. I do not want to feel this way, but it permeates, and also sneaks up.

So, I think it's back to the therapist for me.

Renae