Rambling Nostalgia on my birthday

Yes, today is my birthday and I am now 28 which seems much closer to 30 than 27 did. Not that it matters much to me, I'm just surprised at how quickly time passes. It is a day of reminscing(for any of you who are anal about spelling, please take me off of your blogs to read link). I've been married 5 years, a mom for 1 year, a woman, a child. I love being Jon's wife. I love being Mac's mother-even through the PPD. I love being Renae and all that encompasses from the years past and those yet to come. I once read a story about a little girl who was having a birthday. She was getting tired and frustrated and people kept saying "now you're a big girl" and "act your age", but she had this wonderful understanding that said when you were turning 10 you were still 9 and 8 and 7 and 6 and5 and 4 and 3 and 2 and 1 and 0. I always loved that story. So today, although I am turning 28 I am still 27, 26, 25, 15, 10, 6, 3..........

My mind is junping jumping..so if you want to jump along keep reading.

There was a time in life when tea was the social highlight of my day. Many of you may remember those lingering lunch and dinner hours in the BBC cafeteria. Good times..... Now tea is much more solitary and, most times, less thought-proking, but still a welcome part of my day. What is it about a warm mug in my hand that causes me to slow down and come into the present? I love these moments of remembering. I think of old times....dating Jon, jumping on the bed, night talks, movies, walks, going to the ocean, eating clam strips by the sea, swimming in the little falls, a bonfire in the woods, car trips, choir trips, a crazy host home in PA.....life has been good and yet none of it will make its way onto any front page. Not that I mind. It's just facinating to think that the beauty of my life, of your life, will be so little known to the world at large. We have a meal group that meets on Mondays at our home and it is the highlight of my week. I love cooking and fret over the lack of tasteful home decor, but in the end, the relationships are what matter and will be remembered. I love that. It takes the pressure off of me. These people fill my life, just as many of you have....and still do fill my heart. God has been oh so good.

On another note, I'm reading The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Clariborne. It is a book I am loving and hating. It is challenging to my life. I have to take breaks from it. But I have to read it because I beleive that what it is saying about BEING THE CHURCH is EXACTLY RIGHT ON. A point to consider from the book: when Jesus said the poor will always be with us maybe he wasn't saying that there will always be poor people, but that we(the church) would be among the poor always because the church cares for and is the poor. So much rumbling in my mind and heart..... just read the book people. I'm not sure what it's calling me to do specifically yet, but it is stirring something.

It snowed here over the weekend. Lots of snow-over a foot! It is beautiful. McKinney likes to help daddy and mommy shovel with a his very own dust pan. I will display pictures someday when we have a computer that can handle technology-we're still using the used one Jon had in college.

I am going to get a cake today. I love cake. I would eat cake every day if my mind would allow it. My mind won't allow me to eat a whole box of cookies either. I have an issue with indulging. I can't bring myself to indulge "too much". Maybe I'll ask the therapist about it. "Control issue" or the "need to be Responsible issue" or just a"healthy issue"? Anyway, I may go try to eat a third cookie in replace of lunch..... Have a Happy Renae's Birthday Day!

Garbage toys

I love that my one year is daily excited over garbage. Today it is a used Gatorade bottle. The lid screws on, the lid screws off. You can put a straw in it. Or little blocks in it. Or clothespins in it. You can suck on the lid and make mom say NO. You can screw the lid on and make mom say Yes. Garbage toys. They are cheap and happy distractions. Try them today. Empty egg cartons, cereal boxes, mushroom containers, water bottles, toothpaste boxes, toilet paper rolls, lotion bottles.....the possibilites are endless. What are you childrens favorite non-toy items? Tupperware wins hands down in our house. Have fun. May, we as adults find such joy in the garbage of life.

My Mothering Truth

The story I'm about to tell is not pretty, but it is true. I tell this with some trembling, but mainly because my soul spills over today with the need to be honest with myself. I hope that in the process there will be healing and comfort not only for myself and my son, but for other mothers out there who may find themselves in a similar situaiton. Knowing we are not alone is a powerful Peace.

Getting pregnant was easy. Pregnancy was emotional and draining(I puked daily for 8 months). Labor was long but fulfilling. Mothering has been my deepest joy and my daily horror.

Our son is 14 months old and all boy. He is cheerful and busy and a good night sleeper. He loves tupperware and trucks and running outside. But even though he is a wonderful little man, I have many days where I wish he would nap all day so I could pretend I am not a mother. This sounds harsh, but hear me. I do not wish to feel this way, but it is the truth. Today is particularly bad; and he is oh so good.

My sons birth was wonderous but he had some very high needs to due to Reflux which caused him to scream and vomit all hours of the day. Even with medication for him there was only mild improvement. Nursing was a nightmare with his screaming after just a few minutes of sucking and vomiting everywhere. I was suppose to be my little guys comfort, but it felt like I was making him worse. I would break down every night in the tub for 20minutes and than try to compose myself for Jon's homecoming. Mothering had been my dream. Staying home with my babies had been my unending hope, but nothing was going as I had planned. I quit nursing at 14 weeks. I didn't want to hold him. I hardly wanted to see him. People would ask, "don't you just love being a mother?" and I would smile but inside I was screaming "NO! It's a nightmare." I would look at him and think "he's beautiful and I know I must love him, but if I could go back and choose differently, he wouldn't be here." I wanted to want my child, but every morning I woke up to his cry praying I could just stay in bed. I would meet all of his basic needs, but there was little more in me to give him. I pushed myself to play with him, take him for a walk, sing or read to him. Everything was a struggle and I hated myself for it. My child deserved better than me for a mother. Finally when he was 9 months old I broke down while taking a walk and realized that I couldn't pretend anymore and that I was missing out on life and my son was missing out on his mother. I called a friend who directed me to a counselor and 2 days later I found myself at the therapists giving voice to all my darkest emotions. It was aweful and freeing. It's hard, even now to admit my reality. In the course of a few sessions we realized that I had been dealing with a mild form of depression for 4 years prior to my pregnancy due to post-tramatic stress from a specific life situation. After the birth came postpartum depression, which, with my sons high needs, did not help us to bond well. Therapy has been a light in the darkness.

It has all been a long, hard, and difficult journey. It is agonizing at times, but I have hope in God's ability to use this all for good. I praise him daily for making children so resilient and for giving me grace to begin again each morning. I pray that there will come a day when I am ecstatic over the gift of being a mother and being home with my son. It would be easy to put my child in daycare and not have to face these feelings on a minute to minute basis, but I know that God made ME McKinneys mother for a reason and despite my numerous flaws and lack of being the perfect mother, He wants me with him. Even my poor attempts at loving are filling this little one with peace, security, and faith. I also know that I am becoming the woman God has promised to make me through this; the woman I want to be. Parenting McKinney is birthing in me the virtues that I long for. Without him, well...I can't imagine who I would still be.

I don't know what I will tell him when he is older. My whole life and mind had wanted this child, but my emotions didn't when the days came. There are ups and downs even now. I know this is part of the depression-it's not of me-but it is hard to separate them. I want my son now, although there are still those days of emotions that don't measure up. Today is one of those days and I grieve for my son and for myself while I cling to my heavenly Father's great arms around us. I don't know if we will have more children. I had dreamed of 3-5, but I right now I would be pretending to say that I want another. Right now I can't face feeling again what I've felt with McKinney.

May you and I love our children this day, and, if it's too difficult, trust in a greater Love to enfold us.

Like I said....

This is a addicting. All of McKinney's naps have found me here at the computer. The last time I was so computer happy was when he had been diagnosed with reflux and I spent all my time reading about puke on the pager website. Oh, how time goes by. And so it's gone with you. It's been lovely to read bits from lives, but it feels odd reading something without your personal knowledge that I'm reading it. Online journaling. Is it a false sense of connecting? Maybe it's really just all about our lonely culture crying out for community without leaving the couch. I don't know. I do know that I can't leave the house unless naptime is over, feeding has commenced, poop is in it's doodoo place(the diaper pail), and another nap is not on the radar. So maybe blogging has been born out of necessity. Let's face it, we don't all live next door to one another with big welcoming front porches. We all keep different hours in different time zones and so to cope we will puke what we need to our computer and pray that a kind soul will pass by and type "I hear you, I'm with you." That is what I hope you hear from me. (I am not a pessimist. I've been on house arrest with a sick child for 6 days and feeling a little stuffy-but, I AM GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE LATER and an VERY EXCITED. I like the grocery store immensely, mainly because I love to cook. On the menu tonight-Lentil Soup-new recipe and to finish we'll watch the Office and CSI-the love of our lives after McKinney(also known as Mac.) Well, on to accomplishing something before naptime is over.

Enter the Antolicks

And than there were three.....more.....to the world of blogging.
In the need of wanting to converse with old friends and needing blogger validation to contact them, we are now officially opening a blog site. Of course, we weren't doing anything unofficially so........ I fear this could become addictive.(I have come nearing burning dinner already because of it).

So, we are the Antolicks. Jon, Renae, And McKinney. We love God and each other and are trying to find more people to love in our immediate surroundings. We go to a fabulous church plant here in Hastings, MN named Emmaus Road that is helping us to do that. We would also like to love on old friends, and thus this blogsite. So to any of youwho find this, our love and peace go out to you and please give a shout(especially you Canadians) and let us know how and where you are. Blessings