Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Relief
I was looking at Mac today as I spoke with a friend on the phone and was just very grateful for all the difficulties and hard times that have come in the 21 months of his life. Because of his being I have had to face the realities of a depression and post-tramitic stress that other wise I had been denying. The past 6 weeks have held unfathomable healing and new light. For those who read the prior blog, I did go the therapist two days after I wrote and have felt like different person since. We did prayer therapy and asked that God would show me the truth and light of where He was in some past experiences. He did and I have felt a huge weight lifted from around my neck. I also semi-quit my job. I now only work 2hours a week in the evening. I have scaled back on the "shoulds" in my life and all being more disciplined about taking care of myself through play, prayer, and community. It is always a balancing act, but our family is happier and I feel that I can move forward in life with hope expectation. Right now I can say that Life is Good.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Still working
This week was McKinneys first week of daycare and he seems to be very happy. No tears, no fuss, happy to see us when we pick him up, but otherwise thrilled with new toys and a gaggle of boys to watch and play with. I'm a little sad, but realize that this is a positive for him and the majority of his days and life is still with me.
Work has been a bit easier. Yesterday I had an anxiety attack though and it I stumbled upon some interesting thoughts on which to stew. From some past experience that I will not go into I have post-tramatic stress disorder. The stress is triggered whenever there is an expectation-or percieved expectation upon me-whether self imposed, or by anyone else. I am convinced I will fail, that I am not enough, never will be, and should run and hide and remove myself completely from anything that I may possibly not be able to do perfectly-which equals a lot of stuff. I used to be a very self-confident person-or maybe I should say, I beleived in myself. I knew what I was good at, wasn't afraid of a challenge and felt strong. Now I feel like a shakey little snail hiding in a shell in a dark part of the sea. I do not want to feel this way, but it permeates, and also sneaks up.
So, I think it's back to the therapist for me.
Renae
Work has been a bit easier. Yesterday I had an anxiety attack though and it I stumbled upon some interesting thoughts on which to stew. From some past experience that I will not go into I have post-tramatic stress disorder. The stress is triggered whenever there is an expectation-or percieved expectation upon me-whether self imposed, or by anyone else. I am convinced I will fail, that I am not enough, never will be, and should run and hide and remove myself completely from anything that I may possibly not be able to do perfectly-which equals a lot of stuff. I used to be a very self-confident person-or maybe I should say, I beleived in myself. I knew what I was good at, wasn't afraid of a challenge and felt strong. Now I feel like a shakey little snail hiding in a shell in a dark part of the sea. I do not want to feel this way, but it permeates, and also sneaks up.
So, I think it's back to the therapist for me.
Renae
Thursday, August 30, 2007
I haven't quit, yet
No, I haven't quit my job, at least not yet. I did however talk with my employeers and tell them that I was still having a hard time transitioning but that I wanted to give myself a little more time. Mac starts daycare next week, my hours change a little, and fall begins with is both a relfreshing and difficult time of year for me. So we shall see. I've also been reading A Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and when I run the numbers for our finances, my little income does help. And thinking that we could be debt free in 2-3 years (except for our house) if I continue working is at least a reason to work. So, things are stewing in my mind. It's going to come down to whether or not working makes our hoem happier. Up until now, it hasn't, but like I said, I want to give it a bit more time. I am also going on a women's retreat in September and I'm praying that God would open my eyes to what my purpose is and how to fulfill that.
So, that's the update. I need to go shower before work. It's been a good morning though-finished digging a new flower garden, spot cleaned the living room carpet, took Mac to the park, ran to the store for a few groceries, made a smoked fish spread, two loads of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and am going to quick wash some pots. Funny how when you write it down it looks so impressive, but when Jon comes home tonight and asks how my day went I'll write this off as not important. Oh! There truly is always something to do and no matter how little, it makes a house a home!
Have great days!
Renae
So, that's the update. I need to go shower before work. It's been a good morning though-finished digging a new flower garden, spot cleaned the living room carpet, took Mac to the park, ran to the store for a few groceries, made a smoked fish spread, two loads of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and am going to quick wash some pots. Funny how when you write it down it looks so impressive, but when Jon comes home tonight and asks how my day went I'll write this off as not important. Oh! There truly is always something to do and no matter how little, it makes a house a home!
Have great days!
Renae
Thursday, August 16, 2007
yesterdays post
Thank you to everyone who responded to my rantings late last night. I can't say I'm in any more certain place at this moment, but it is so good to have friends who will interject and reflect back to me(good Neilson skills). I really needed to see these 4comments tonight when I opened the blog. A bit of hope is what I am calling it.
Today was not quite so bad, but this could be because my in-laws had been at our house for 14 hours, I was running on 5 hours of sleep and work was a haven. I still have 5 more in-law days to go, so please say a prayer for me. As much as I love my in-laws they truly drive me crazy. Jon knows this and understands and is incredibly patient with me.
I am debating on quiting or telling them exactly how I feel and asking to have one more month to see if it gets better. Should I do that though? Should I involve them in my decision at all? It would give them knowledge that might help them to prepare if I leave, but than they might treat me different. Plus, I don't really think I will feel different. Maybe, but it's been three months and it has only gotten harder, not easier. With the in-laws here, I don't want to make a rash decision-I'm also hormonal and sleep deprived and have not had a moment to have a private calm conversation with my husband. I will post again tomorrow.
Thank you everyone for your support of "I don't know" and "Just quit". Thank you thank you thank you. This is truly what I feel. It is amazing how friendship can come through the distance.
May love to you all in your own struggles. Sweet dreams on this cool starry summer night.
Renae
Today was not quite so bad, but this could be because my in-laws had been at our house for 14 hours, I was running on 5 hours of sleep and work was a haven. I still have 5 more in-law days to go, so please say a prayer for me. As much as I love my in-laws they truly drive me crazy. Jon knows this and understands and is incredibly patient with me.
I am debating on quiting or telling them exactly how I feel and asking to have one more month to see if it gets better. Should I do that though? Should I involve them in my decision at all? It would give them knowledge that might help them to prepare if I leave, but than they might treat me different. Plus, I don't really think I will feel different. Maybe, but it's been three months and it has only gotten harder, not easier. With the in-laws here, I don't want to make a rash decision-I'm also hormonal and sleep deprived and have not had a moment to have a private calm conversation with my husband. I will post again tomorrow.
Thank you everyone for your support of "I don't know" and "Just quit". Thank you thank you thank you. This is truly what I feel. It is amazing how friendship can come through the distance.
May love to you all in your own struggles. Sweet dreams on this cool starry summer night.
Renae
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
12:13am
So I've been lying in bed the past two hours like I've done every night for the past two weeks and finely decided it was no use: I am awake. Jon may be sleeping, but I am not and it is irritating to keep realizing that my mind is simply awake and it is not going to shut off any time soon. So maybe if I blog I will feel released to sleep.
I want to quit my job. I work for great people, the environment is friendly and encouraging. The benefits are good and the hours are minimal, still, I want to quit. I have decided I like being home. Yes, it is difficult to be home daily on my own with a 1 year old, but I want it back. I want my freedom to choose every day what we're going to do. I want to let him sleep when he wants and to be able to take a nap too. I want to cook my family meals every night. And mostly I just don't want to be tired and so overwhelmed at the end of a work day so that I am irritated and ungrateful for the family that I come home to and serve. Jon would be fine with me quiting, but I'm not okay with it. I feel that by quiting I am failing. I am failing to be all that so much of the world is. I am failing to be the supermom that I know some woman love being. I am disappointed by who I am- a woman who needs down time and personal space and flexibility and freedom and a very simple life. Even though I don't believe it, there's a part of me that believes that for me to be only a housewife and mother is to be lazy. I would never think it of other women, but I think it of myself. I also hate confrontation and disapointing others and I think of how this would make ripples in the office. They's have to find someone to replace me. And I know that seems miniscule but in my mind(a people pleasing mind) it is huge. And I know Mac would like to socialize with other kids at daycare which is lacking in our one child home. And the little bit of extra money does help.
But I dread working most days. Is it just not the right fit. So much of it looks so right, but it just feels wrong for me. I know that if I was hearing a friend say all of this, I would tell them it's not worth the misery, but it's so hard to take our own advice. And i beleive in God. I beleive He would make a way smooth for me to quit, would provide for our needs and bless us regardless of me working. But my faith is small, very very very small. It is hard to believe and yet God continually gives and surprises me and loves me...tenderly, gently, kindly, passionately, patiently, perfectly.
What I want right now is for someone to tell me to do something. I do not like making decisions. This could be part of the depression, or hormones, or just of me not knowing who I am anymore. But I want to know. I truly want to know. And I am beginning to take steps in the right direction. Maybe quiting will be one of those steps. I just don't know.
I want to quit my job. I work for great people, the environment is friendly and encouraging. The benefits are good and the hours are minimal, still, I want to quit. I have decided I like being home. Yes, it is difficult to be home daily on my own with a 1 year old, but I want it back. I want my freedom to choose every day what we're going to do. I want to let him sleep when he wants and to be able to take a nap too. I want to cook my family meals every night. And mostly I just don't want to be tired and so overwhelmed at the end of a work day so that I am irritated and ungrateful for the family that I come home to and serve. Jon would be fine with me quiting, but I'm not okay with it. I feel that by quiting I am failing. I am failing to be all that so much of the world is. I am failing to be the supermom that I know some woman love being. I am disappointed by who I am- a woman who needs down time and personal space and flexibility and freedom and a very simple life. Even though I don't believe it, there's a part of me that believes that for me to be only a housewife and mother is to be lazy. I would never think it of other women, but I think it of myself. I also hate confrontation and disapointing others and I think of how this would make ripples in the office. They's have to find someone to replace me. And I know that seems miniscule but in my mind(a people pleasing mind) it is huge. And I know Mac would like to socialize with other kids at daycare which is lacking in our one child home. And the little bit of extra money does help.
But I dread working most days. Is it just not the right fit. So much of it looks so right, but it just feels wrong for me. I know that if I was hearing a friend say all of this, I would tell them it's not worth the misery, but it's so hard to take our own advice. And i beleive in God. I beleive He would make a way smooth for me to quit, would provide for our needs and bless us regardless of me working. But my faith is small, very very very small. It is hard to believe and yet God continually gives and surprises me and loves me...tenderly, gently, kindly, passionately, patiently, perfectly.
What I want right now is for someone to tell me to do something. I do not like making decisions. This could be part of the depression, or hormones, or just of me not knowing who I am anymore. But I want to know. I truly want to know. And I am beginning to take steps in the right direction. Maybe quiting will be one of those steps. I just don't know.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Was there July?
I really don't remember the last month. It has been so crazy and hot. I always think I like summer, but than can't recall what I loved. Oh, okay, maybe there are a few things in general I can point to-swimming, bonfires, grilling, meals with friends...but the specifics are hazy. Maybe the heat has friend my brain.
Tuesdays are my day off, so I'm sitting here while Mac naps contemplating the good things in my life, the anxieties on my mind, and what I hope for in the future.
Good things: 1) I found a radio show on cassette that will make Jon VERY HAPPY. For those of you who grew up listening to christian childrens radio programs you may know it-The Pond. I found it at a bookstore that was going out of business and only paid $5 for 5 hours of tape. When we lived out east, Jon intraduced me to it and we'd listen to it every Saturday over breakfast. Now Mac will have that same experience as his daddy did growing up. 2) McKinney is interestedin books. At least, Curious George books. For the past 19months when we have read a book our son would kick, scream, run, throw..you name it he did it other than sit and look and listen. But two weeks ago he became enthralled with George on the TV. He wakes up saying "Jorj, Jorj" and since it's only 7am there's a who hour for him to "be introduced to math and science concepts" through Curious George. This is the first time he's shown an interest or ability to sit still and watch something(not that I'm complaining). So I was at the library past week getting some fun music for Mac and looking longingly at the books my son would avoid like the plague, and it hit me, "Try a Curious George book". So I found two and brought them home. Low and Behold, my son likes books. We read Curious George and the Dump Truck 6-10times a day, but I am just so happy he will sit and look and listen. He even looks at them by himself while I'm in the shower. So Yeah for George. I am not an advocate for marketing to children, but this is a real blessing to us. Needless to say, we will be making a trip to hte bookstore this week to purchase our own copy of Curious George and the Dump Truck. 3)Ice cream. I will buy a gallon today to go with brownies. Nothing beats ice ceam on a hot summer night.
Anxieties: 1)Daycare. Mac starts home daycare next month and I am still having a hard time thinking about it. I should be home with him. I feel that it's my job. Even though working has made me enjoy the time I have with him more, I am stuck in this should mentality. There is a part of me that truly wants to be home fulltime with him, but the rational side sees the benefits of working. So I keep lifting it up before God. 2)Finances. We have a big doctors bill from Jon's surgery and the fact that we need my income is a little stressful. I'll be honest; I'd like it if we had excess money and I could lounge around home, buy lattes, and do whatever it is I'd like to do. That's not our reality though, and it's probably a good thing it's not. God has always provided for what we need(like a $900 check last month that paid most of our credit card debt)and so I don't fret over this much. 3)August. It is a super full month. In-laws are coming, we're leaving Mac with my parents so we can go camping, 10 year reunion......just busyness. I like to have more down time. Give me rest Oh God.
Hopes: 1)I'm really looking forward to camping with Jon. We need to reconnect adn talk about where we're at in life and where we want to go. Do we want more kids, to pursue missions, to live forever in MN..life thoughts and I love being with Jon and thinking of our futre together. 2)Pondering what it means to be me. Now that the depression is moving out, I'm wondering who I am and what it means to be me. Where do I want to be in 10 years. Is being a wife and mother fulfilling me, or is there another niche that I am longing to tap into as well.
So that's me and the present moment. How I'd like a new comptuer so it wouldn't take me all of nap time to connect with my friends. Sorry about not posting pictures. I don't know if I'll ever get around to it. I will try someday, honestly. Hope you are well. We miss you immensly and dream of a time when we can all gather under the stars in a wide open space with our family and yours and reminsce about old times and establish new stories.
Our love to you all!
Renae
Tuesdays are my day off, so I'm sitting here while Mac naps contemplating the good things in my life, the anxieties on my mind, and what I hope for in the future.
Good things: 1) I found a radio show on cassette that will make Jon VERY HAPPY. For those of you who grew up listening to christian childrens radio programs you may know it-The Pond. I found it at a bookstore that was going out of business and only paid $5 for 5 hours of tape. When we lived out east, Jon intraduced me to it and we'd listen to it every Saturday over breakfast. Now Mac will have that same experience as his daddy did growing up. 2) McKinney is interestedin books. At least, Curious George books. For the past 19months when we have read a book our son would kick, scream, run, throw..you name it he did it other than sit and look and listen. But two weeks ago he became enthralled with George on the TV. He wakes up saying "Jorj, Jorj" and since it's only 7am there's a who hour for him to "be introduced to math and science concepts" through Curious George. This is the first time he's shown an interest or ability to sit still and watch something(not that I'm complaining). So I was at the library past week getting some fun music for Mac and looking longingly at the books my son would avoid like the plague, and it hit me, "Try a Curious George book". So I found two and brought them home. Low and Behold, my son likes books. We read Curious George and the Dump Truck 6-10times a day, but I am just so happy he will sit and look and listen. He even looks at them by himself while I'm in the shower. So Yeah for George. I am not an advocate for marketing to children, but this is a real blessing to us. Needless to say, we will be making a trip to hte bookstore this week to purchase our own copy of Curious George and the Dump Truck. 3)Ice cream. I will buy a gallon today to go with brownies. Nothing beats ice ceam on a hot summer night.
Anxieties: 1)Daycare. Mac starts home daycare next month and I am still having a hard time thinking about it. I should be home with him. I feel that it's my job. Even though working has made me enjoy the time I have with him more, I am stuck in this should mentality. There is a part of me that truly wants to be home fulltime with him, but the rational side sees the benefits of working. So I keep lifting it up before God. 2)Finances. We have a big doctors bill from Jon's surgery and the fact that we need my income is a little stressful. I'll be honest; I'd like it if we had excess money and I could lounge around home, buy lattes, and do whatever it is I'd like to do. That's not our reality though, and it's probably a good thing it's not. God has always provided for what we need(like a $900 check last month that paid most of our credit card debt)and so I don't fret over this much. 3)August. It is a super full month. In-laws are coming, we're leaving Mac with my parents so we can go camping, 10 year reunion......just busyness. I like to have more down time. Give me rest Oh God.
Hopes: 1)I'm really looking forward to camping with Jon. We need to reconnect adn talk about where we're at in life and where we want to go. Do we want more kids, to pursue missions, to live forever in MN..life thoughts and I love being with Jon and thinking of our futre together. 2)Pondering what it means to be me. Now that the depression is moving out, I'm wondering who I am and what it means to be me. Where do I want to be in 10 years. Is being a wife and mother fulfilling me, or is there another niche that I am longing to tap into as well.
So that's me and the present moment. How I'd like a new comptuer so it wouldn't take me all of nap time to connect with my friends. Sorry about not posting pictures. I don't know if I'll ever get around to it. I will try someday, honestly. Hope you are well. We miss you immensly and dream of a time when we can all gather under the stars in a wide open space with our family and yours and reminsce about old times and establish new stories.
Our love to you all!
Renae
Friday, July 6, 2007
We're still here
Yes, I know it's been a while. The phrase, "lazy days of summer" don't seem to apply anymore. But it's been a good summer so far. Lots of sun, playing at the pool and visiting with family and friends.
So here's what's been happening:
I'm still adjusting to the whole working thing, although it's only three afternoons a week. Right now, someone comes to our house to watch Mac, but that will change in the fall and I think he'll be in a home daycare setting. I'm having a tough time thinking about that. Having a babysitter in our house feels very different from having him in daycare. I'm just trying to be patient and allow the Lord to bring everything together.
I started taking a nutritional supplement by a company called Metagenics for the depression and I've noticed a big difference. The hazy gray that seemed to be the undercurrent of my life, has cleared. I'm not jumping for joy, skipping rocks while singing a happy tune, but I feel better adn after 5 years a break in the clouds is like being given a new day. I have a little more energy and deifinately a lot more desire and ambition to do normal things. For any of you who are thinking of taking antidepressents I encourage you to look at teh natural options available.
Jon's getting bored at his job. It's a long commute and he does the same thing over and over agin. It's a good job, but we're praying for something even better and closer. He's been making some friends here in town-which is fantastic and they enjoy going on long bike rides on Satuday mornings, taking Mac in the pull-behind so I can have a little time for myself-Jon loves his daddy time.
Mac is growing up so big and handsome. He had his 18month check up today. 26lbs 2oz, 33inches tall, full of bruises and what looks like rug burn on his belly. I don't know how the belly burn happened. I went to put him in the tub last night and there it was all swollen and red. He cried when the water touched it and was out of the tub before I could scrub him up. Too bad, because he's in desperate need of a bath. Why do these things always happen right before a trip to the doctor. I pulled his shirt off in the office this morning and thought, please don't think this is my fault. He's a very happy, independant little boy. I 'll try to get pics up this weekend.
Not much more. Hope you all had a happy Fourth of July and that you find at least one day this summer that has the essense of what summer felt like when you were 10.
Renae
So here's what's been happening:
I'm still adjusting to the whole working thing, although it's only three afternoons a week. Right now, someone comes to our house to watch Mac, but that will change in the fall and I think he'll be in a home daycare setting. I'm having a tough time thinking about that. Having a babysitter in our house feels very different from having him in daycare. I'm just trying to be patient and allow the Lord to bring everything together.
I started taking a nutritional supplement by a company called Metagenics for the depression and I've noticed a big difference. The hazy gray that seemed to be the undercurrent of my life, has cleared. I'm not jumping for joy, skipping rocks while singing a happy tune, but I feel better adn after 5 years a break in the clouds is like being given a new day. I have a little more energy and deifinately a lot more desire and ambition to do normal things. For any of you who are thinking of taking antidepressents I encourage you to look at teh natural options available.
Jon's getting bored at his job. It's a long commute and he does the same thing over and over agin. It's a good job, but we're praying for something even better and closer. He's been making some friends here in town-which is fantastic and they enjoy going on long bike rides on Satuday mornings, taking Mac in the pull-behind so I can have a little time for myself-Jon loves his daddy time.
Mac is growing up so big and handsome. He had his 18month check up today. 26lbs 2oz, 33inches tall, full of bruises and what looks like rug burn on his belly. I don't know how the belly burn happened. I went to put him in the tub last night and there it was all swollen and red. He cried when the water touched it and was out of the tub before I could scrub him up. Too bad, because he's in desperate need of a bath. Why do these things always happen right before a trip to the doctor. I pulled his shirt off in the office this morning and thought, please don't think this is my fault. He's a very happy, independant little boy. I 'll try to get pics up this weekend.
Not much more. Hope you all had a happy Fourth of July and that you find at least one day this summer that has the essense of what summer felt like when you were 10.
Renae
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Oh!
And is there a way to signup for something that would automatically let me know when someone has updated their blog? We are so low-tech and I do not have the patience to figure it out on my own with our "lovely" dial-up connection today. Thanks
Night shift
So how many of you out there are sharing the child-rearing responsibilites by working odd hours so one parent can always be home with the child? Just wondering how it's working for those folks. We're considering having Jon take up nights in the fall so he would be home with Mac while I work afternoons. Will it really kill our family?
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Thanks
To the four ladies who wrote words of support and encouragement, Thank you. I am talking with my chiropractor today about some alternative depression meds and than I will be talking to my psychologist. Pray that we make the best decisions possible and that we find the right meds-I think that is my biggest concern. I keep thinking, "If I just hold on a little longer, it will get better-it's already gotten a little better, so just a little more time....." Than I look at my son and think, how many more days am I going to miss rejoicing over his life?
Liz, your story helps me the most today. Knowing that meds can really make me Feel Different-feel Happy. I can hardly remember what that feels like. So that is my hope for the future. I am so glad you sought help.
Kayla, we will pray for this pregnancy and for your willingness to let go of the things that hold you back from really living life-the book I mentioned would be really good for you to read.
Jo, while reading my book, I thought of you. We may not talk hardly ever, but I still consider you a dear friend.
Gwyn, yes, we do need breaks, and work is a good one. It's christian office and I feel very comfortable there.
So, my friends, another day. Ups and downs all around, but it sure feels good to have people who reach out there hands through words and let you know that they are there for you and care.
Many many thanks.
Liz, your story helps me the most today. Knowing that meds can really make me Feel Different-feel Happy. I can hardly remember what that feels like. So that is my hope for the future. I am so glad you sought help.
Kayla, we will pray for this pregnancy and for your willingness to let go of the things that hold you back from really living life-the book I mentioned would be really good for you to read.
Jo, while reading my book, I thought of you. We may not talk hardly ever, but I still consider you a dear friend.
Gwyn, yes, we do need breaks, and work is a good one. It's christian office and I feel very comfortable there.
So, my friends, another day. Ups and downs all around, but it sure feels good to have people who reach out there hands through words and let you know that they are there for you and care.
Many many thanks.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Sleepless Days
Sleepless days is the title of the book I am currently reading by Susan Kushner Resnick. For all of you out there who have or are suffering from postpartum-READ THIS BOOK. And for those of you who aren't are didn't-READ THIS BOOK. My insides are aching with understanding and tears threaten to overwhelm me.
Last week was hell. I seethed through every day. Was bitter, angry, hateful. Jon had hernia surgery the Friday before mother's day and I was left on that "glorious" day of celebration to fend for myself with a toddler who wouldn't understand why Daddy(his bestfriend) wouldn't allow him to climb all over him. I was just so unreasonably angry. The funk lasted until this past Saturday when Jon left for a fishing trip and I, unable to go back to sleep at 5am had 3 glorious hours to myself to drink coffee and start reading "the power of a praying parent" which I'd purchased over 8 months ago. A switch went off and I've felt like my split personality of peace and joy ever since. I think I may be ready to medicate the depression. I am so afriad that I won't know when the PPD ends and the depression begins. I am so tired of the dark undercurrent that bubbles up when life seems brightest. I just want the anxiety and heaviness to leave completely. I want to be free. I want to find out who I really am. I want to be free to love Jon and McKinney and the whole rest of life without doubting that love.
This is my life today.
Also, I need a sitter for Friday so I can go to work. I found a great job. Now I need a little help with childcare.
Last week was hell. I seethed through every day. Was bitter, angry, hateful. Jon had hernia surgery the Friday before mother's day and I was left on that "glorious" day of celebration to fend for myself with a toddler who wouldn't understand why Daddy(his bestfriend) wouldn't allow him to climb all over him. I was just so unreasonably angry. The funk lasted until this past Saturday when Jon left for a fishing trip and I, unable to go back to sleep at 5am had 3 glorious hours to myself to drink coffee and start reading "the power of a praying parent" which I'd purchased over 8 months ago. A switch went off and I've felt like my split personality of peace and joy ever since. I think I may be ready to medicate the depression. I am so afriad that I won't know when the PPD ends and the depression begins. I am so tired of the dark undercurrent that bubbles up when life seems brightest. I just want the anxiety and heaviness to leave completely. I want to be free. I want to find out who I really am. I want to be free to love Jon and McKinney and the whole rest of life without doubting that love.
This is my life today.
Also, I need a sitter for Friday so I can go to work. I found a great job. Now I need a little help with childcare.
Monday, April 30, 2007
I'm Awake
I just finished talking long distance with a friend, than was washing my face thinking that my bathroom stunk like urine. "Did Mac pee on the floor at bathtime? Maybe it's coming from the drain. I need to have Jon fix that, it's been slow recently. Could I make a spiritual analogy about standing in dirty shower water because of a slow drain? I should post that on my blog. Remember when my toilet didn't have the power to flush down a big poop and I thought, God's toilet never backs up; it's big enough to handle all my poop. I should go to bed. But I'm awake."
I have this thing about needing to be in bed if everyone else is in bed. I'll lay there all night sometimes thinking I should just get up, but I can't because I'm suppose to be in bed because everyone else is in bed. I do not understand this compulsion, but tonight I am fighting it. Jon and McKinney are snoring and they'll never know-they wouldn't care if they did. What is my issue with it? Why can't I get up in my own house and wander around and do whatever I want freely? I think I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Plus, I value sleep and every minute I'm not in bed will definately not be spent sleeping. I am always on edge. I can be dead tired, but I would never fall asleep if I thought someone might stop by, or if someone is in the next room-even if I'm very sick. I am always on the alert. I have to be ready...for something that never happens..... Tonight I was lying in my bed trying to get McKinney to go to sleep while our group was downstairs talking and I was so tired and knew that no one would mind if I just fell asleepwith my dear little son, but I couldn't do it. I just couldn't.
I'm throwing caution to the wind now though. At night I have my best thoughts-or maybe not the best, but the most open-ended, wondering, searching, freeing ability to write all that I'm rambling on in my mind and my heart.
Tonight was our Monday meal gathering. Some people from our church get together at our house and eat dinner and talk and laugh and sometimes focus on something from the Bible or Christian life. It's been a wonderful experience. We look forward to Mondays the most of all days and the people who come have been becoming friends. My friend who called tonight was asking how that happened, and I just honestly don't know. It just happened. We all were looking for the same thing-authenticity and daily living life together and somehow it happened. We're not all best friends-at least not yet-but I trust them and enjoy their company and know that they honestly care about me and my family and I care about theirs. I guess I could just label it grace.
On the matter of friends: I long for a best friend. I should preface that-a best GIRL friend. Jon is definately my bestfriend. But I don't know that I've ever had a best girlfriend. There have been good friends, but no one who I've been completely comfortable and honest with, and who has felt the same with me. I long for someone who lives near me, who can go to the park with me and McKinney, who can see me in sweats unshowered and I am unashamed. Someone to call up when our kids are being so gosh darn funny, and someone to complain too when the kids are being pains in the ....... Someone who questions themselves, fears the worst, hopes for the best, laughs at life, and smiles. I think I'll take out a personal ad. Why has this been such a difficult thing for me? Why have I always felt like the odd woman out? I know they say that if you have one best friend in life you're lucky, but I guess I just want in on that kind of luck. Blogging is a great therapy for me, but it's not the same as a voice on the telephone, or a hand patting mine over a cup of tea. My friends of long ago, and those yet to be, " I appreciate who you are in my life and I don't discount you because we were not bestfriends, but I pray for you and myself that there is someone out there who will laugh with you and occasionally at you-someone who will share the very marrow of life with you."
That is my dream this night.
Side note: still waiting on a job-another chiro position in the works...we'll see, we'll see...Have patience...
Dark night
quiet house
me and a cup of tea
Off to bed
I have this thing about needing to be in bed if everyone else is in bed. I'll lay there all night sometimes thinking I should just get up, but I can't because I'm suppose to be in bed because everyone else is in bed. I do not understand this compulsion, but tonight I am fighting it. Jon and McKinney are snoring and they'll never know-they wouldn't care if they did. What is my issue with it? Why can't I get up in my own house and wander around and do whatever I want freely? I think I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Plus, I value sleep and every minute I'm not in bed will definately not be spent sleeping. I am always on edge. I can be dead tired, but I would never fall asleep if I thought someone might stop by, or if someone is in the next room-even if I'm very sick. I am always on the alert. I have to be ready...for something that never happens..... Tonight I was lying in my bed trying to get McKinney to go to sleep while our group was downstairs talking and I was so tired and knew that no one would mind if I just fell asleepwith my dear little son, but I couldn't do it. I just couldn't.
I'm throwing caution to the wind now though. At night I have my best thoughts-or maybe not the best, but the most open-ended, wondering, searching, freeing ability to write all that I'm rambling on in my mind and my heart.
Tonight was our Monday meal gathering. Some people from our church get together at our house and eat dinner and talk and laugh and sometimes focus on something from the Bible or Christian life. It's been a wonderful experience. We look forward to Mondays the most of all days and the people who come have been becoming friends. My friend who called tonight was asking how that happened, and I just honestly don't know. It just happened. We all were looking for the same thing-authenticity and daily living life together and somehow it happened. We're not all best friends-at least not yet-but I trust them and enjoy their company and know that they honestly care about me and my family and I care about theirs. I guess I could just label it grace.
On the matter of friends: I long for a best friend. I should preface that-a best GIRL friend. Jon is definately my bestfriend. But I don't know that I've ever had a best girlfriend. There have been good friends, but no one who I've been completely comfortable and honest with, and who has felt the same with me. I long for someone who lives near me, who can go to the park with me and McKinney, who can see me in sweats unshowered and I am unashamed. Someone to call up when our kids are being so gosh darn funny, and someone to complain too when the kids are being pains in the ....... Someone who questions themselves, fears the worst, hopes for the best, laughs at life, and smiles. I think I'll take out a personal ad. Why has this been such a difficult thing for me? Why have I always felt like the odd woman out? I know they say that if you have one best friend in life you're lucky, but I guess I just want in on that kind of luck. Blogging is a great therapy for me, but it's not the same as a voice on the telephone, or a hand patting mine over a cup of tea. My friends of long ago, and those yet to be, " I appreciate who you are in my life and I don't discount you because we were not bestfriends, but I pray for you and myself that there is someone out there who will laugh with you and occasionally at you-someone who will share the very marrow of life with you."
That is my dream this night.
Side note: still waiting on a job-another chiro position in the works...we'll see, we'll see...Have patience...
Dark night
quiet house
me and a cup of tea
Off to bed
Friday, April 20, 2007
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Dirt and Sun
I ruffle my sons hair and the smell of dirt and sun rises up and tells me that it's summer and my little boy is growing up. The baby smells have been replaced by backyard dirt and playground sand. We have left the house behind and are discovering creation again. It leaves us tired and refreshed and happy for another day. The weather is invigorating and we're soaking it up. Lots of fruits and vegtables and fresh air! It is good to be alive.
This night is cooling down and I'm ready to find my fuzzy blanket and wrap up with some paperwork. Hum drum, but I read in the sun this afternoon and now resposibility calls. Maybe a cup of cocoa or tea and than I'll slip in cool sheets and listen to the crickets and train whistles lull me to sleep.
I did not take the job I wrote about in my last blog. The vibes I got from the office were not life giving, so I am still looking. Still praying.
A rememberance: Once, when we lived in PA, I decided to look for a job (this was before McKinney). I was a homemaker at the time and getting pretty bored up on the mountain by myswlf in an empty house 11hrs a day. I was talking to an older woman about it and she looked at me(mind you this is in November) and says, "Renae, what you need is a garden." In the simple life of PA, a garden fiexed all your problems apparently. I think I must have just smiled, because she truly thought I beleived that would cure my woes. I still think back on that with a smile. I do like to garden, but it is not a substitute for socializing in my life. A garden is in my summer future though.
This night is cooling down and I'm ready to find my fuzzy blanket and wrap up with some paperwork. Hum drum, but I read in the sun this afternoon and now resposibility calls. Maybe a cup of cocoa or tea and than I'll slip in cool sheets and listen to the crickets and train whistles lull me to sleep.
I did not take the job I wrote about in my last blog. The vibes I got from the office were not life giving, so I am still looking. Still praying.
A rememberance: Once, when we lived in PA, I decided to look for a job (this was before McKinney). I was a homemaker at the time and getting pretty bored up on the mountain by myswlf in an empty house 11hrs a day. I was talking to an older woman about it and she looked at me(mind you this is in November) and says, "Renae, what you need is a garden." In the simple life of PA, a garden fiexed all your problems apparently. I think I must have just smiled, because she truly thought I beleived that would cure my woes. I still think back on that with a smile. I do like to garden, but it is not a substitute for socializing in my life. A garden is in my summer future though.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Brooding
So I have to decide on whether or not to take a job. If the opportunity had presented itself before McKinney I think I would have taken it. Although, I may have gone for a more cushy, less, money job. But, most likely, I would have taken it. But now, when I look into the face of finding and deciding and paying for childcare, I want to jump back into my hole and shout "no way". It just feels like so much work and such a huge impact upon our families life. Still, the numbers don't add up and more money needs to come from some place and I truly am ready to go to work and I truly believe McKinney will be great with other kids and new opportunities. I just get so afraid of making the wrong decision. I place the weight of the world on my shoulders and demand "Jump this high" knowing I can never make it. Most of the time I just jump back into my hole. I hate risking. I am very calculated except when it means discipline. Anway, someone please give me the right answer. Do I take the job? It is not a life or death commitment. It's just life with so many paths and ways and turns and ups and downs. Why am I so afraid of failing the world and myself? I've already won in Christ right? Still, I feel like a failure and that that is what I will continue to allow my self to be. God have mercy on me a sinner.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Check your socks
I feel like such a heel. This morning McKinney was his bright smiley self, until an hour into the day. Then hell came to earth. He was screaming and fussing and wouldn't be put down. Nothing could distract him, not even his toothbrush or telephone which are on a spiritual level in his world. I'm holding him and trying to get ready to leave for an early childhood class thinking everything a mom thinks when their child turns into a nightmare-is he sick, do his teeth hurt, are these growing pains, does he have an earache, is he still tired, hungry, wet, constipated? We go to class and he cries in the car, seems better at class, but still fussy, cries on the way home, when we get in the house, as I change his diaper......finally, I pull off his sock. On his little foot is a deep impression from a thread that had gotten caught around his little toe and pulled and pinched it. My poor baby. The worst thing, is that I thought about the sock. A little voice said, "Maybe the sock is bothering him." I even grabbed an extra pair as we were running out the door thinking I could check it when we got to school. But it seemed like such a minor, silly little thing, that I didn't follow the premonition. And for that my child suffered needlessly for two hours.
How often has this happened in my life? How often has the Spirit prompted and I've said "No, that's too simple to be the solution", or "That's silly", or "where did that thought come from" and ignored it. Many many Many Many Many Many times. And sometimes I've suffered for it and other times I've felt like a fool for it. How long will it take me to trust in and listen to the Life inside me that is so much wiser and gentler and kinder than myself? How long, Oh Lord?
On another note, a friend asked today how another friend of mine is doing who was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. I have been running so hard from Life Emotions that to respond has brought tears to the surface. I spend so much time evading the reality of emotions that are simmering in my soul.
Emotions make me uncomfortable and I have a difficult time making time for them because they seem to me uncontrolable and irrational and I don't now what to do with them. They feel wrong which is likely a result of growing up in a home where my parents didn't respond much to emotions. If I was really happy, I went to my room. If I was really sad, I went to my room. I didn't express my emotions to my parents because they didn't seem to know what to do with them-they would get upset or ignore tears, and downplay excitement. "Don't rock the boat" would be a good expression for my house. This is a BIG issue for me at thereapy. Changing my perspective about my emotions and allowing them to be whatever they are is a challenge and takes work...and I have been putting it off with busyness the last three weeks.
Betsy, who has ovarian cancer, is doing well. She has had 3 chemo treatments and although tired, has not gotten sick from them. Her body is respondig very well. We don't know what the future holds, but she has no fear of death. I truly believe that she is content with whatever her fate is. She lives in the present and is thankful for her past. She is Grace to me. I cannot think of this world without her; it hurts too much. I feel as if I need her here to keep me steady. When life is pressing in and I don't know how I will take one more breath, I stop at Betsy's and I gather enough stillness and thankfulness and love to go on again a little slower, and a little more steady. She is Christ to me. When you think of her, please say a prayer, that God's will would be done.
There is much more on my heart right now, but I this is all I want to bear right now.
Rainy Monday.
How often has this happened in my life? How often has the Spirit prompted and I've said "No, that's too simple to be the solution", or "That's silly", or "where did that thought come from" and ignored it. Many many Many Many Many Many times. And sometimes I've suffered for it and other times I've felt like a fool for it. How long will it take me to trust in and listen to the Life inside me that is so much wiser and gentler and kinder than myself? How long, Oh Lord?
On another note, a friend asked today how another friend of mine is doing who was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. I have been running so hard from Life Emotions that to respond has brought tears to the surface. I spend so much time evading the reality of emotions that are simmering in my soul.
Emotions make me uncomfortable and I have a difficult time making time for them because they seem to me uncontrolable and irrational and I don't now what to do with them. They feel wrong which is likely a result of growing up in a home where my parents didn't respond much to emotions. If I was really happy, I went to my room. If I was really sad, I went to my room. I didn't express my emotions to my parents because they didn't seem to know what to do with them-they would get upset or ignore tears, and downplay excitement. "Don't rock the boat" would be a good expression for my house. This is a BIG issue for me at thereapy. Changing my perspective about my emotions and allowing them to be whatever they are is a challenge and takes work...and I have been putting it off with busyness the last three weeks.
Betsy, who has ovarian cancer, is doing well. She has had 3 chemo treatments and although tired, has not gotten sick from them. Her body is respondig very well. We don't know what the future holds, but she has no fear of death. I truly believe that she is content with whatever her fate is. She lives in the present and is thankful for her past. She is Grace to me. I cannot think of this world without her; it hurts too much. I feel as if I need her here to keep me steady. When life is pressing in and I don't know how I will take one more breath, I stop at Betsy's and I gather enough stillness and thankfulness and love to go on again a little slower, and a little more steady. She is Christ to me. When you think of her, please say a prayer, that God's will would be done.
There is much more on my heart right now, but I this is all I want to bear right now.
Rainy Monday.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Sunny Monday (slightly tainted)
I get frustrated over little things. Right now it is the fact the the above recipe is not the recipe I think I am thinking of. My memory says,"The page that the recipe is on doesn't look right, the cookies that I made look different, and I'm sure the ingrediants are not quite what I used last time." My rational side is saying, "Look, you made flourless peanutbutter cookies from a magazine article this winter and this is the only magazine we have in the house with any such recipe so it must be it. End of story." Still I will obsess all day. I am completely neurotic when I have (or think I have) misplaced something. It comsumes me.
Anyway, everything else is sun-shiny and bright. McKinney's surgery went wonderfully. My house smells like good baking, the sunshine is streaming in through(grimy) windows. It's going to be 74F out! We saw our first robin on Friday and I am all-around just happy. I think I may take Mac to the zoo this afternoon!
As to surgery details. Mac was in great form Friday morning. Very easy going and daddy's biggest fan. He got rather hungry, but hardly fussed. Jon went in with him as they put him under and it was a peice of cake. The surgery itself took about a half hour and than we were called back into his room as soon as he was awake. He was pretty upset at this point, but we beleive it was from waking up in the nurses arms, being hungry, and having a blood oxygen sensor on his foot. He has always been very sensitive about having his feet touched and doesn't like us to tickle them or play with them-put socks on and leave them alone is his modo. Jon and Grandma soothed him while I walked the hallway trying not to pass out-hospitals and IVs put me over the edge-and than we were on our way home. He has stitches and a black eye, but he hardly seems to know it even took place. By Friday afternoon he wanted to play outside and got mad when we took a walk and bi-passed the playground. We dosed him with Tylonel for two days, but hes has hardly even touched him eye and yesterday he made no complaints even with out meds. So, THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO TOOK A MOMENT TO PRAY FOR MCKINNEY AND FOR US. EVERYTHING WENT SMOOTHLY AND GOD"S HAND WAS STRONGLY EVIDENT IN MAC'S ATTITUDE AND RECOVERLY.
Anyway, everything else is sun-shiny and bright. McKinney's surgery went wonderfully. My house smells like good baking, the sunshine is streaming in through(grimy) windows. It's going to be 74F out! We saw our first robin on Friday and I am all-around just happy. I think I may take Mac to the zoo this afternoon!
As to surgery details. Mac was in great form Friday morning. Very easy going and daddy's biggest fan. He got rather hungry, but hardly fussed. Jon went in with him as they put him under and it was a peice of cake. The surgery itself took about a half hour and than we were called back into his room as soon as he was awake. He was pretty upset at this point, but we beleive it was from waking up in the nurses arms, being hungry, and having a blood oxygen sensor on his foot. He has always been very sensitive about having his feet touched and doesn't like us to tickle them or play with them-put socks on and leave them alone is his modo. Jon and Grandma soothed him while I walked the hallway trying not to pass out-hospitals and IVs put me over the edge-and than we were on our way home. He has stitches and a black eye, but he hardly seems to know it even took place. By Friday afternoon he wanted to play outside and got mad when we took a walk and bi-passed the playground. We dosed him with Tylonel for two days, but hes has hardly even touched him eye and yesterday he made no complaints even with out meds. So, THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO TOOK A MOMENT TO PRAY FOR MCKINNEY AND FOR US. EVERYTHING WENT SMOOTHLY AND GOD"S HAND WAS STRONGLY EVIDENT IN MAC'S ATTITUDE AND RECOVERLY.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Background for our Blue
McKinney is having surgery on Friday. It is minor, out-patient surgery for a dermoid over his eye. It will only take 45min and most patients have little discomfort other than a black eye after the procedure.
Still, we are sick with worry. Yes, we have a God who takes care of us and loves McKinney more perfectly than we ever can. Yes, He wants the best for us and plans good for our lives. Yes, He is with us in this moment and will be with us in those to come. Yes, He is in control and understands and meets us where we are at. Yes, everything will probably be fine.
And still, we are sick with worry.
He is our child. Our son.
I just keep thinking, what if this is the last week that I have to hold him and give him a bottle and tuck him in and see his bright smile and hear his fake laugh or his deep belly laugh or put his pj's on him or feed him spaghetti and take him for a walk to the park. What if this is the last tantrum, last dirty diaper, last med dash to keep him out of the street, last feeling og dread when he screams in the store......last time I put on his baby shoes and last onesie.....one last baby Mac kiss.
I know things will most likely be "right as rain" but I have always had a propensity toward dark daydreams of reality, and this is honestly the worst I've ever had. This is the gut wrenching, how would I go on with my life type feeling. I am scared.
And I'm also scared because in the midst of all my loving and worry, I think to myself, maybe I would go on and be okay. Parenting has not been a cakewalk and mothering has often felt truly aweful due to postpartum, so maybe not being a mother anymore would be freeing. That sounds morbid but I'm being very honest and in the moment here with you all who may be up reading a random woman's confession at midnight.
I know though that it wouldn't be that simple. No matter what happens, I will always be a mother to McKinney. He is a part of me. He is my heart-tightness tonight and I don't ever want to be without him. I love him. I love him.....and I want till the ends of the earth and longer to tell that too him.
This life is not in our hands, but His. Please pray a prayer for us this night, that we would be close to His heart, curled up in His hands, at peace with His heartbeat, and trusting in whatever He deems best for our future. Thank you.
Still, we are sick with worry. Yes, we have a God who takes care of us and loves McKinney more perfectly than we ever can. Yes, He wants the best for us and plans good for our lives. Yes, He is with us in this moment and will be with us in those to come. Yes, He is in control and understands and meets us where we are at. Yes, everything will probably be fine.
And still, we are sick with worry.
He is our child. Our son.
I just keep thinking, what if this is the last week that I have to hold him and give him a bottle and tuck him in and see his bright smile and hear his fake laugh or his deep belly laugh or put his pj's on him or feed him spaghetti and take him for a walk to the park. What if this is the last tantrum, last dirty diaper, last med dash to keep him out of the street, last feeling og dread when he screams in the store......last time I put on his baby shoes and last onesie.....one last baby Mac kiss.
I know things will most likely be "right as rain" but I have always had a propensity toward dark daydreams of reality, and this is honestly the worst I've ever had. This is the gut wrenching, how would I go on with my life type feeling. I am scared.
And I'm also scared because in the midst of all my loving and worry, I think to myself, maybe I would go on and be okay. Parenting has not been a cakewalk and mothering has often felt truly aweful due to postpartum, so maybe not being a mother anymore would be freeing. That sounds morbid but I'm being very honest and in the moment here with you all who may be up reading a random woman's confession at midnight.
I know though that it wouldn't be that simple. No matter what happens, I will always be a mother to McKinney. He is a part of me. He is my heart-tightness tonight and I don't ever want to be without him. I love him. I love him.....and I want till the ends of the earth and longer to tell that too him.
This life is not in our hands, but His. Please pray a prayer for us this night, that we would be close to His heart, curled up in His hands, at peace with His heartbeat, and trusting in whatever He deems best for our future. Thank you.
Monday, March 12, 2007
McKinney's Birth Story
Inspired by Ang MacPherson, I finishedMac's birth story today, some 14 months after his birth. Here it is:
The story of McKinney’s birth is somewhat of a Christmas story.
The night of December 23rd, Jon and I had gotten to bed late, around 11pm, after his last indoor soccer game of the season. The team had tried to persuade us to go out with them to Awada’s joking, “If you come out and start labor, maybe the little one will get a lifetime sponsorship!” Laughing, we declined, as we had an appointment to keep with Paula(our midwife) at 10am. We were in our 39th week of pregnancy and Paula had mentioned that it would probably be another couple weeks. I was planning on a quiet Christmas with family-my last one before motherhood and grateful that our baby wouldn’t be labeled a “Christmas Baby”.
After an hour of sleep I awoke at 12:15am to use the bathroom. There was a little blood, but nothing major and I’d had this earlier in the week, so back to bed I went. I rolled to one side, Ouch! Rolled to the other, Ouch! Thinking I was probably a little constipated I headed back to the bathroom. Sitting there my mucus plug let loose and I realized “These are contractions!” Timing the contractions by the clock on the microwave I paced and squatted and breathed as my muscles worked at pulling my baby into position. This was intense and after 20 minutes I awoke Jon to take over timing and to call Paula. The contractions were 6 minutes apart consistently and it was an hour to the birth center. We waited awhile longer and the contractions kept coming between 4-6 minutes steadily. Paula gave us the go sign and we were on our way by 3am. It was a warm foggy winter night. In the quiet I was focusing on breathing through the contractions which were coming faster and thinking this, “This is probably just my body practicing and soon everything will stop and we’ll go back home”. In my heart though, I was wide awake, excited, and hopeful that the time had finally come! The roads were empty and visibility was limited, but even so we made good time.
Paula met us at the door and by 4am I was 4cm dilated and tucked into the purple room with Jon lying next to me. I rested an hour than sat on the birthing ball. Rested some more and tried duck walking around 6:30am. Jon stood strong as I’d wrap my arms around his neck and hang, moaning low and deep. After this I was 9cm, Yeah! The baby was not yet in position though, so I did some lunges and than got into the soaking tub. Jon poured water over my belly as the contractions came. It is was so soothing. He had the perfect rhythm and pressure and we were one. I relaxed enough between each contraction to sleep a moment. When I’d awake my belly would be quaking and Jon was speaking soft encouragement. Catherine(doula) and Karen(midwife and therapist) arrived around 8am and I felt peace, confidence, and sacredness. At 8:40am I was 10cm and began stair walking. My left hip was filled with pain and Karen attempted to relieve it through massage. It was agonizing, but I could feel her love. I slow danced in Jon’s arms. I moaned. I blew deep hot breaths out like a horse. I felt good and strong, but tired. When was our baby going to come? More resting and bath time and ball time and hanging onto Jon. Karen and Paula had me lie down on a cloth and tried Relozo shifting to move the bay into place. They pulled the cloth up around my hips and tried to swing the baby. Through this he finally moved into place, but I still had terrible pain in my hip. Karen tried acupressure, but nothing helped. Finally, around 1pm I started pushing. My water broke but our baby stayed put. Around 3:30, while I was on the birthing stool pushing, there was a gush of blood. The babies heart rate dropped and a room of encouragement became unnaturally quiet. I couldn’t see what was going on. I was scared. 75 seconds went by and than, the little heart picked up again and we all breathed relief. Still, we were with empty arms. At 4pm I went back to bed and Paula discussed options with us, which resulted in resting and no pushing. Tired and discouraged I kept thinking, “I don’t want to go to the hospital.” I knew my body could birth our child, but I was feeling discouraged. At 5pm Katie arrived and brought with her freshness and excitement. We all felt a small sense of renewal. For the next 5 hours I pushed and rested and groaned and waited. I was so tired and my legs and cervical lip were terribly swollen. At 10pm I agreed to go to the hospital. We didn’t know why the baby wasn’t coming and were afraid that I would be too tired to get the baby out with my own strength.
Dr. Feigal was called to meet us and Katie, who was the nurse on call at Red Cedar Medical, took our blankets and cds and went before us to prepare our room. Driving the four short blocks I felt sad and anxious. I wanted this baby out and didn’t want to be a mother. I just wanted to be able to go home and crawl in bed and sleep until this was all just a memory. I’d been told that the baby was coming all day, but now I couldn’t believe that it would be today. I was really discouraged and felt that it was my fault that we were going to the hospital, even though the baby’s vitals were fine.
The hospital was empty and quiet-it seemed as if I was the only one there. I walked a long hall to get to my room. My birth team had reassembled and my blanket and pillow were on the bed. Dr. Feigal came in and realized that the reason the baby wasn’t moving down was because the cervix had gotten pinched between the baby’s head and my pubic bone and there was no way through. He gently pushed it back with his long fingers and we were in business! I was very tired and unsure that I really had it in me to finish the work I’d begun 23 hours ago, but Catherine looked me right in the eyes and with sincerity and faith told me, “ You can do this.” They had me use a bar to pull myself up into a squatting position while I pushed, but than switched me back to lying down. They brought a mirror and I watched as with each push the head would come out and than pull back in. It was terribly discouraging, but I knew that this baby was going to come out. I pushed and pushed and finally the head was through! There was so much dark hair! Than a couple more pushes and the baby was here! They placed him on my chest and I remember he felt so limp and warm. There was a lot of mucus in his lungs and we had to keep rubbing him and suctioning him until he finally let out a cry and wouldn’t stop! Jon had tears in his eyes and we looked at each other with amazement and tenderness; it was the most incredible day. Jon cut the cord and I held our son. He nursed a little and we all breathed sighs of peace. I birthed the placenta and than had a few minor stitches-which, incredibly, were the worst part for me. We were moved into another room and we all started to settle in for the night. It was around 2:30am on Christmas Day. Our son had been born at 11:58pm on December 24th, just squeezing in so he couldn’t technically be labeled a Christmas baby. It took us until noon to choose a name and than by 3pm we were on our way home to our own bed.
Birthing McKinney was an incredible journey and I’d do it all again without hesitation. Jon was almost an extension of me throughout the entire birth and I am so grateful for his love, strength, and on going encouragement as we parent our son. The birth unified us in ways unimaginable and becoming parents is the most miraculous experience I believe we will ever know on this earth.
The story of McKinney’s birth is somewhat of a Christmas story.
The night of December 23rd, Jon and I had gotten to bed late, around 11pm, after his last indoor soccer game of the season. The team had tried to persuade us to go out with them to Awada’s joking, “If you come out and start labor, maybe the little one will get a lifetime sponsorship!” Laughing, we declined, as we had an appointment to keep with Paula(our midwife) at 10am. We were in our 39th week of pregnancy and Paula had mentioned that it would probably be another couple weeks. I was planning on a quiet Christmas with family-my last one before motherhood and grateful that our baby wouldn’t be labeled a “Christmas Baby”.
After an hour of sleep I awoke at 12:15am to use the bathroom. There was a little blood, but nothing major and I’d had this earlier in the week, so back to bed I went. I rolled to one side, Ouch! Rolled to the other, Ouch! Thinking I was probably a little constipated I headed back to the bathroom. Sitting there my mucus plug let loose and I realized “These are contractions!” Timing the contractions by the clock on the microwave I paced and squatted and breathed as my muscles worked at pulling my baby into position. This was intense and after 20 minutes I awoke Jon to take over timing and to call Paula. The contractions were 6 minutes apart consistently and it was an hour to the birth center. We waited awhile longer and the contractions kept coming between 4-6 minutes steadily. Paula gave us the go sign and we were on our way by 3am. It was a warm foggy winter night. In the quiet I was focusing on breathing through the contractions which were coming faster and thinking this, “This is probably just my body practicing and soon everything will stop and we’ll go back home”. In my heart though, I was wide awake, excited, and hopeful that the time had finally come! The roads were empty and visibility was limited, but even so we made good time.
Paula met us at the door and by 4am I was 4cm dilated and tucked into the purple room with Jon lying next to me. I rested an hour than sat on the birthing ball. Rested some more and tried duck walking around 6:30am. Jon stood strong as I’d wrap my arms around his neck and hang, moaning low and deep. After this I was 9cm, Yeah! The baby was not yet in position though, so I did some lunges and than got into the soaking tub. Jon poured water over my belly as the contractions came. It is was so soothing. He had the perfect rhythm and pressure and we were one. I relaxed enough between each contraction to sleep a moment. When I’d awake my belly would be quaking and Jon was speaking soft encouragement. Catherine(doula) and Karen(midwife and therapist) arrived around 8am and I felt peace, confidence, and sacredness. At 8:40am I was 10cm and began stair walking. My left hip was filled with pain and Karen attempted to relieve it through massage. It was agonizing, but I could feel her love. I slow danced in Jon’s arms. I moaned. I blew deep hot breaths out like a horse. I felt good and strong, but tired. When was our baby going to come? More resting and bath time and ball time and hanging onto Jon. Karen and Paula had me lie down on a cloth and tried Relozo shifting to move the bay into place. They pulled the cloth up around my hips and tried to swing the baby. Through this he finally moved into place, but I still had terrible pain in my hip. Karen tried acupressure, but nothing helped. Finally, around 1pm I started pushing. My water broke but our baby stayed put. Around 3:30, while I was on the birthing stool pushing, there was a gush of blood. The babies heart rate dropped and a room of encouragement became unnaturally quiet. I couldn’t see what was going on. I was scared. 75 seconds went by and than, the little heart picked up again and we all breathed relief. Still, we were with empty arms. At 4pm I went back to bed and Paula discussed options with us, which resulted in resting and no pushing. Tired and discouraged I kept thinking, “I don’t want to go to the hospital.” I knew my body could birth our child, but I was feeling discouraged. At 5pm Katie arrived and brought with her freshness and excitement. We all felt a small sense of renewal. For the next 5 hours I pushed and rested and groaned and waited. I was so tired and my legs and cervical lip were terribly swollen. At 10pm I agreed to go to the hospital. We didn’t know why the baby wasn’t coming and were afraid that I would be too tired to get the baby out with my own strength.
Dr. Feigal was called to meet us and Katie, who was the nurse on call at Red Cedar Medical, took our blankets and cds and went before us to prepare our room. Driving the four short blocks I felt sad and anxious. I wanted this baby out and didn’t want to be a mother. I just wanted to be able to go home and crawl in bed and sleep until this was all just a memory. I’d been told that the baby was coming all day, but now I couldn’t believe that it would be today. I was really discouraged and felt that it was my fault that we were going to the hospital, even though the baby’s vitals were fine.
The hospital was empty and quiet-it seemed as if I was the only one there. I walked a long hall to get to my room. My birth team had reassembled and my blanket and pillow were on the bed. Dr. Feigal came in and realized that the reason the baby wasn’t moving down was because the cervix had gotten pinched between the baby’s head and my pubic bone and there was no way through. He gently pushed it back with his long fingers and we were in business! I was very tired and unsure that I really had it in me to finish the work I’d begun 23 hours ago, but Catherine looked me right in the eyes and with sincerity and faith told me, “ You can do this.” They had me use a bar to pull myself up into a squatting position while I pushed, but than switched me back to lying down. They brought a mirror and I watched as with each push the head would come out and than pull back in. It was terribly discouraging, but I knew that this baby was going to come out. I pushed and pushed and finally the head was through! There was so much dark hair! Than a couple more pushes and the baby was here! They placed him on my chest and I remember he felt so limp and warm. There was a lot of mucus in his lungs and we had to keep rubbing him and suctioning him until he finally let out a cry and wouldn’t stop! Jon had tears in his eyes and we looked at each other with amazement and tenderness; it was the most incredible day. Jon cut the cord and I held our son. He nursed a little and we all breathed sighs of peace. I birthed the placenta and than had a few minor stitches-which, incredibly, were the worst part for me. We were moved into another room and we all started to settle in for the night. It was around 2:30am on Christmas Day. Our son had been born at 11:58pm on December 24th, just squeezing in so he couldn’t technically be labeled a Christmas baby. It took us until noon to choose a name and than by 3pm we were on our way home to our own bed.
Birthing McKinney was an incredible journey and I’d do it all again without hesitation. Jon was almost an extension of me throughout the entire birth and I am so grateful for his love, strength, and on going encouragement as we parent our son. The birth unified us in ways unimaginable and becoming parents is the most miraculous experience I believe we will ever know on this earth.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Life's littles are not to be ignored...
Meloncholy and listening to my new favorite song on repeat this morning. I am addicted to Highlight on the new Storyhill CD. 99.9% of you won't know who they are, but we are in love with them. They are the background music to our lives along with Waterdeep and U2. They sound a bit like Simon and Garfunkle and other folky friends. They have incredibly tight harmonies. You can find more info at www.peppermintcds.com. Anyway, the lyrics go:
Highlight of my life
Dreamer in my dreams
Everything is not only as it seems
Just beneath the rippling surface of the stream
Something even greater weaving us together
(chorus):
Unseen the tie that binds us
Unknown the path before us
Unclouded the sky above
An unbelievable love
Wade in the water hold on to my hand
Current can be strong here but no stronger than I am
if we slip or falter we'll stumble together
(chorus)
More than a morning Sun
I love to be with you
(chorus)
Anyone in love will find this a sweet salve. Loving my husband as I do, I envision this to be about us. Yes, I am still in love with my husband of 5 years and 6 days.
For our anniversary this past weekend, we had the good fortune to go away to a friends cabin without our son. We hunkered down in the midst of two feet of snow and just enjoyed each other and endless quantities of free time. Jon watched Band of Brothers. I crocheted and read. We did things together too; uh hum. In our relaxing the teapot would whistle and we would both jump thinking it was McKinney-oh how we needed the time away. It was heavenly, and for all of you who wished us a nice 5 year celebration-Thank you, we did.
Upon re-entering parenthood, we were delivered a baby with a temp of 104.6F. Reality quickly set upon us as we spent the night awake with im inour bed wondering if we should be heading to the ER. He is getting better slowly, after chest x-rays, bloob tests, and eye drops. We think it is just a cold and bacterial infection in his eye, but for this mother, the worry doesn't stop until the cough and runny nose are gone. Running on 1 night of sleep out of the past 4 has emotionally been taking it's toll. I love that my little boy is so cuddly, but I hate that he is not himself. I am also frustrated with my emotions. I just want to get away from all of this. Poor Jon bears the brunt of my anguish. Last night he was 15min later getting home and I felt seething resentment towards him. We had a talk about it(we don't fight-it's not in either of us) and of course the end was positive.
It's hard being a stay-at-home parent.
Other news, I am wanting to work, but not sure how, when, or where that can happen. I am overwhelmed by all that a job in my life would entail. Determining hours, daycare, salary and what I could handle and enjoy seems HUGE mentally, yet, we need the money and I think that I need to do something outside of mothering and wifing(?). I also wonder if this is my attempt to run away from the depression I feel when I'm stuck at home with myself and a 1 year old for days on end. So far I have just been thinking about it and have acted on the impulse very little. I am praying that God will bring the perfect opportunity and take care of all the details. It's a tall order, but my God is able.
So how about you? What breezes of change and emotion are blowing across the back of your neck?
Highlight of my life
Dreamer in my dreams
Everything is not only as it seems
Just beneath the rippling surface of the stream
Something even greater weaving us together
(chorus):
Unseen the tie that binds us
Unknown the path before us
Unclouded the sky above
An unbelievable love
Wade in the water hold on to my hand
Current can be strong here but no stronger than I am
if we slip or falter we'll stumble together
(chorus)
More than a morning Sun
I love to be with you
(chorus)
Anyone in love will find this a sweet salve. Loving my husband as I do, I envision this to be about us. Yes, I am still in love with my husband of 5 years and 6 days.
For our anniversary this past weekend, we had the good fortune to go away to a friends cabin without our son. We hunkered down in the midst of two feet of snow and just enjoyed each other and endless quantities of free time. Jon watched Band of Brothers. I crocheted and read. We did things together too; uh hum. In our relaxing the teapot would whistle and we would both jump thinking it was McKinney-oh how we needed the time away. It was heavenly, and for all of you who wished us a nice 5 year celebration-Thank you, we did.
Upon re-entering parenthood, we were delivered a baby with a temp of 104.6F. Reality quickly set upon us as we spent the night awake with im inour bed wondering if we should be heading to the ER. He is getting better slowly, after chest x-rays, bloob tests, and eye drops. We think it is just a cold and bacterial infection in his eye, but for this mother, the worry doesn't stop until the cough and runny nose are gone. Running on 1 night of sleep out of the past 4 has emotionally been taking it's toll. I love that my little boy is so cuddly, but I hate that he is not himself. I am also frustrated with my emotions. I just want to get away from all of this. Poor Jon bears the brunt of my anguish. Last night he was 15min later getting home and I felt seething resentment towards him. We had a talk about it(we don't fight-it's not in either of us) and of course the end was positive.
It's hard being a stay-at-home parent.
Other news, I am wanting to work, but not sure how, when, or where that can happen. I am overwhelmed by all that a job in my life would entail. Determining hours, daycare, salary and what I could handle and enjoy seems HUGE mentally, yet, we need the money and I think that I need to do something outside of mothering and wifing(?). I also wonder if this is my attempt to run away from the depression I feel when I'm stuck at home with myself and a 1 year old for days on end. So far I have just been thinking about it and have acted on the impulse very little. I am praying that God will bring the perfect opportunity and take care of all the details. It's a tall order, but my God is able.
So how about you? What breezes of change and emotion are blowing across the back of your neck?
Friday, March 2, 2007
5 Years of Wonder
The Love of My Life and I have been married 5 years today. Laying in bed last night we agreed that we still fit together perfectly every way. We are the best of friends, pretty good parents, great lovers, and an incredible team in whatever we do. I truly believe we were made for each other. I love him! I love him! I love him! Can you tell I'm still in love! For us, marriage has only gotten sweeter with time. Yes, there were transitions and struggles in the beginning-sometimes there still are, but life with Jon is greater than all I ever hoped or dared to imagine, and I'm sure the future will continue to far exceed all my dreams! I am a blessed woman. My husband is the most gentle, kind, gracious, forgiving, tender, strong, handsome, brave, intelligent, hard-working, compassionate, sensitive, considerate, patient, unconditionally loving, generous man I could ever want, and no doubt, he is all I'll ever want.
My prayer today is that those who are married would have this same sense of passion and fulfilment that I find within my marriage.
And for those who aren't married, I pray that if you ever want and do get married, you will aspire and work to have a great marriage and that God would give you a partner with that same desire and commitment.
My prayer today is that those who are married would have this same sense of passion and fulfilment that I find within my marriage.
And for those who aren't married, I pray that if you ever want and do get married, you will aspire and work to have a great marriage and that God would give you a partner with that same desire and commitment.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Rambling Nostalgia on my birthday
Yes, today is my birthday and I am now 28 which seems much closer to 30 than 27 did. Not that it matters much to me, I'm just surprised at how quickly time passes. It is a day of reminscing(for any of you who are anal about spelling, please take me off of your blogs to read link). I've been married 5 years, a mom for 1 year, a woman, a child. I love being Jon's wife. I love being Mac's mother-even through the PPD. I love being Renae and all that encompasses from the years past and those yet to come. I once read a story about a little girl who was having a birthday. She was getting tired and frustrated and people kept saying "now you're a big girl" and "act your age", but she had this wonderful understanding that said when you were turning 10 you were still 9 and 8 and 7 and 6 and5 and 4 and 3 and 2 and 1 and 0. I always loved that story. So today, although I am turning 28 I am still 27, 26, 25, 15, 10, 6, 3..........
My mind is junping jumping..so if you want to jump along keep reading.
There was a time in life when tea was the social highlight of my day. Many of you may remember those lingering lunch and dinner hours in the BBC cafeteria. Good times..... Now tea is much more solitary and, most times, less thought-proking, but still a welcome part of my day. What is it about a warm mug in my hand that causes me to slow down and come into the present? I love these moments of remembering. I think of old times....dating Jon, jumping on the bed, night talks, movies, walks, going to the ocean, eating clam strips by the sea, swimming in the little falls, a bonfire in the woods, car trips, choir trips, a crazy host home in PA.....life has been good and yet none of it will make its way onto any front page. Not that I mind. It's just facinating to think that the beauty of my life, of your life, will be so little known to the world at large. We have a meal group that meets on Mondays at our home and it is the highlight of my week. I love cooking and fret over the lack of tasteful home decor, but in the end, the relationships are what matter and will be remembered. I love that. It takes the pressure off of me. These people fill my life, just as many of you have....and still do fill my heart. God has been oh so good.
On another note, I'm reading The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Clariborne. It is a book I am loving and hating. It is challenging to my life. I have to take breaks from it. But I have to read it because I beleive that what it is saying about BEING THE CHURCH is EXACTLY RIGHT ON. A point to consider from the book: when Jesus said the poor will always be with us maybe he wasn't saying that there will always be poor people, but that we(the church) would be among the poor always because the church cares for and is the poor. So much rumbling in my mind and heart..... just read the book people. I'm not sure what it's calling me to do specifically yet, but it is stirring something.
It snowed here over the weekend. Lots of snow-over a foot! It is beautiful. McKinney likes to help daddy and mommy shovel with a his very own dust pan. I will display pictures someday when we have a computer that can handle technology-we're still using the used one Jon had in college.
I am going to get a cake today. I love cake. I would eat cake every day if my mind would allow it. My mind won't allow me to eat a whole box of cookies either. I have an issue with indulging. I can't bring myself to indulge "too much". Maybe I'll ask the therapist about it. "Control issue" or the "need to be Responsible issue" or just a"healthy issue"? Anyway, I may go try to eat a third cookie in replace of lunch..... Have a Happy Renae's Birthday Day!
My mind is junping jumping..so if you want to jump along keep reading.
There was a time in life when tea was the social highlight of my day. Many of you may remember those lingering lunch and dinner hours in the BBC cafeteria. Good times..... Now tea is much more solitary and, most times, less thought-proking, but still a welcome part of my day. What is it about a warm mug in my hand that causes me to slow down and come into the present? I love these moments of remembering. I think of old times....dating Jon, jumping on the bed, night talks, movies, walks, going to the ocean, eating clam strips by the sea, swimming in the little falls, a bonfire in the woods, car trips, choir trips, a crazy host home in PA.....life has been good and yet none of it will make its way onto any front page. Not that I mind. It's just facinating to think that the beauty of my life, of your life, will be so little known to the world at large. We have a meal group that meets on Mondays at our home and it is the highlight of my week. I love cooking and fret over the lack of tasteful home decor, but in the end, the relationships are what matter and will be remembered. I love that. It takes the pressure off of me. These people fill my life, just as many of you have....and still do fill my heart. God has been oh so good.
On another note, I'm reading The Irresistable Revolution by Shane Clariborne. It is a book I am loving and hating. It is challenging to my life. I have to take breaks from it. But I have to read it because I beleive that what it is saying about BEING THE CHURCH is EXACTLY RIGHT ON. A point to consider from the book: when Jesus said the poor will always be with us maybe he wasn't saying that there will always be poor people, but that we(the church) would be among the poor always because the church cares for and is the poor. So much rumbling in my mind and heart..... just read the book people. I'm not sure what it's calling me to do specifically yet, but it is stirring something.
It snowed here over the weekend. Lots of snow-over a foot! It is beautiful. McKinney likes to help daddy and mommy shovel with a his very own dust pan. I will display pictures someday when we have a computer that can handle technology-we're still using the used one Jon had in college.
I am going to get a cake today. I love cake. I would eat cake every day if my mind would allow it. My mind won't allow me to eat a whole box of cookies either. I have an issue with indulging. I can't bring myself to indulge "too much". Maybe I'll ask the therapist about it. "Control issue" or the "need to be Responsible issue" or just a"healthy issue"? Anyway, I may go try to eat a third cookie in replace of lunch..... Have a Happy Renae's Birthday Day!
Monday, February 26, 2007
Garbage toys
I love that my one year is daily excited over garbage. Today it is a used Gatorade bottle. The lid screws on, the lid screws off. You can put a straw in it. Or little blocks in it. Or clothespins in it. You can suck on the lid and make mom say NO. You can screw the lid on and make mom say Yes. Garbage toys. They are cheap and happy distractions. Try them today. Empty egg cartons, cereal boxes, mushroom containers, water bottles, toothpaste boxes, toilet paper rolls, lotion bottles.....the possibilites are endless. What are you childrens favorite non-toy items? Tupperware wins hands down in our house. Have fun. May, we as adults find such joy in the garbage of life.
Friday, February 23, 2007
My Mothering Truth
The story I'm about to tell is not pretty, but it is true. I tell this with some trembling, but mainly because my soul spills over today with the need to be honest with myself. I hope that in the process there will be healing and comfort not only for myself and my son, but for other mothers out there who may find themselves in a similar situaiton. Knowing we are not alone is a powerful Peace.
Getting pregnant was easy. Pregnancy was emotional and draining(I puked daily for 8 months). Labor was long but fulfilling. Mothering has been my deepest joy and my daily horror.
Our son is 14 months old and all boy. He is cheerful and busy and a good night sleeper. He loves tupperware and trucks and running outside. But even though he is a wonderful little man, I have many days where I wish he would nap all day so I could pretend I am not a mother. This sounds harsh, but hear me. I do not wish to feel this way, but it is the truth. Today is particularly bad; and he is oh so good.
My sons birth was wonderous but he had some very high needs to due to Reflux which caused him to scream and vomit all hours of the day. Even with medication for him there was only mild improvement. Nursing was a nightmare with his screaming after just a few minutes of sucking and vomiting everywhere. I was suppose to be my little guys comfort, but it felt like I was making him worse. I would break down every night in the tub for 20minutes and than try to compose myself for Jon's homecoming. Mothering had been my dream. Staying home with my babies had been my unending hope, but nothing was going as I had planned. I quit nursing at 14 weeks. I didn't want to hold him. I hardly wanted to see him. People would ask, "don't you just love being a mother?" and I would smile but inside I was screaming "NO! It's a nightmare." I would look at him and think "he's beautiful and I know I must love him, but if I could go back and choose differently, he wouldn't be here." I wanted to want my child, but every morning I woke up to his cry praying I could just stay in bed. I would meet all of his basic needs, but there was little more in me to give him. I pushed myself to play with him, take him for a walk, sing or read to him. Everything was a struggle and I hated myself for it. My child deserved better than me for a mother. Finally when he was 9 months old I broke down while taking a walk and realized that I couldn't pretend anymore and that I was missing out on life and my son was missing out on his mother. I called a friend who directed me to a counselor and 2 days later I found myself at the therapists giving voice to all my darkest emotions. It was aweful and freeing. It's hard, even now to admit my reality. In the course of a few sessions we realized that I had been dealing with a mild form of depression for 4 years prior to my pregnancy due to post-tramatic stress from a specific life situation. After the birth came postpartum depression, which, with my sons high needs, did not help us to bond well. Therapy has been a light in the darkness.
It has all been a long, hard, and difficult journey. It is agonizing at times, but I have hope in God's ability to use this all for good. I praise him daily for making children so resilient and for giving me grace to begin again each morning. I pray that there will come a day when I am ecstatic over the gift of being a mother and being home with my son. It would be easy to put my child in daycare and not have to face these feelings on a minute to minute basis, but I know that God made ME McKinneys mother for a reason and despite my numerous flaws and lack of being the perfect mother, He wants me with him. Even my poor attempts at loving are filling this little one with peace, security, and faith. I also know that I am becoming the woman God has promised to make me through this; the woman I want to be. Parenting McKinney is birthing in me the virtues that I long for. Without him, well...I can't imagine who I would still be.
I don't know what I will tell him when he is older. My whole life and mind had wanted this child, but my emotions didn't when the days came. There are ups and downs even now. I know this is part of the depression-it's not of me-but it is hard to separate them. I want my son now, although there are still those days of emotions that don't measure up. Today is one of those days and I grieve for my son and for myself while I cling to my heavenly Father's great arms around us. I don't know if we will have more children. I had dreamed of 3-5, but I right now I would be pretending to say that I want another. Right now I can't face feeling again what I've felt with McKinney.
May you and I love our children this day, and, if it's too difficult, trust in a greater Love to enfold us.
Getting pregnant was easy. Pregnancy was emotional and draining(I puked daily for 8 months). Labor was long but fulfilling. Mothering has been my deepest joy and my daily horror.
Our son is 14 months old and all boy. He is cheerful and busy and a good night sleeper. He loves tupperware and trucks and running outside. But even though he is a wonderful little man, I have many days where I wish he would nap all day so I could pretend I am not a mother. This sounds harsh, but hear me. I do not wish to feel this way, but it is the truth. Today is particularly bad; and he is oh so good.
My sons birth was wonderous but he had some very high needs to due to Reflux which caused him to scream and vomit all hours of the day. Even with medication for him there was only mild improvement. Nursing was a nightmare with his screaming after just a few minutes of sucking and vomiting everywhere. I was suppose to be my little guys comfort, but it felt like I was making him worse. I would break down every night in the tub for 20minutes and than try to compose myself for Jon's homecoming. Mothering had been my dream. Staying home with my babies had been my unending hope, but nothing was going as I had planned. I quit nursing at 14 weeks. I didn't want to hold him. I hardly wanted to see him. People would ask, "don't you just love being a mother?" and I would smile but inside I was screaming "NO! It's a nightmare." I would look at him and think "he's beautiful and I know I must love him, but if I could go back and choose differently, he wouldn't be here." I wanted to want my child, but every morning I woke up to his cry praying I could just stay in bed. I would meet all of his basic needs, but there was little more in me to give him. I pushed myself to play with him, take him for a walk, sing or read to him. Everything was a struggle and I hated myself for it. My child deserved better than me for a mother. Finally when he was 9 months old I broke down while taking a walk and realized that I couldn't pretend anymore and that I was missing out on life and my son was missing out on his mother. I called a friend who directed me to a counselor and 2 days later I found myself at the therapists giving voice to all my darkest emotions. It was aweful and freeing. It's hard, even now to admit my reality. In the course of a few sessions we realized that I had been dealing with a mild form of depression for 4 years prior to my pregnancy due to post-tramatic stress from a specific life situation. After the birth came postpartum depression, which, with my sons high needs, did not help us to bond well. Therapy has been a light in the darkness.
It has all been a long, hard, and difficult journey. It is agonizing at times, but I have hope in God's ability to use this all for good. I praise him daily for making children so resilient and for giving me grace to begin again each morning. I pray that there will come a day when I am ecstatic over the gift of being a mother and being home with my son. It would be easy to put my child in daycare and not have to face these feelings on a minute to minute basis, but I know that God made ME McKinneys mother for a reason and despite my numerous flaws and lack of being the perfect mother, He wants me with him. Even my poor attempts at loving are filling this little one with peace, security, and faith. I also know that I am becoming the woman God has promised to make me through this; the woman I want to be. Parenting McKinney is birthing in me the virtues that I long for. Without him, well...I can't imagine who I would still be.
I don't know what I will tell him when he is older. My whole life and mind had wanted this child, but my emotions didn't when the days came. There are ups and downs even now. I know this is part of the depression-it's not of me-but it is hard to separate them. I want my son now, although there are still those days of emotions that don't measure up. Today is one of those days and I grieve for my son and for myself while I cling to my heavenly Father's great arms around us. I don't know if we will have more children. I had dreamed of 3-5, but I right now I would be pretending to say that I want another. Right now I can't face feeling again what I've felt with McKinney.
May you and I love our children this day, and, if it's too difficult, trust in a greater Love to enfold us.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Like I said....
This is a addicting. All of McKinney's naps have found me here at the computer. The last time I was so computer happy was when he had been diagnosed with reflux and I spent all my time reading about puke on the pager website. Oh, how time goes by. And so it's gone with you. It's been lovely to read bits from lives, but it feels odd reading something without your personal knowledge that I'm reading it. Online journaling. Is it a false sense of connecting? Maybe it's really just all about our lonely culture crying out for community without leaving the couch. I don't know. I do know that I can't leave the house unless naptime is over, feeding has commenced, poop is in it's doodoo place(the diaper pail), and another nap is not on the radar. So maybe blogging has been born out of necessity. Let's face it, we don't all live next door to one another with big welcoming front porches. We all keep different hours in different time zones and so to cope we will puke what we need to our computer and pray that a kind soul will pass by and type "I hear you, I'm with you." That is what I hope you hear from me. (I am not a pessimist. I've been on house arrest with a sick child for 6 days and feeling a little stuffy-but, I AM GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE LATER and an VERY EXCITED. I like the grocery store immensely, mainly because I love to cook. On the menu tonight-Lentil Soup-new recipe and to finish we'll watch the Office and CSI-the love of our lives after McKinney(also known as Mac.) Well, on to accomplishing something before naptime is over.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Enter the Antolicks
And than there were three.....more.....to the world of blogging.
In the need of wanting to converse with old friends and needing blogger validation to contact them, we are now officially opening a blog site. Of course, we weren't doing anything unofficially so........ I fear this could become addictive.(I have come nearing burning dinner already because of it).
So, we are the Antolicks. Jon, Renae, And McKinney. We love God and each other and are trying to find more people to love in our immediate surroundings. We go to a fabulous church plant here in Hastings, MN named Emmaus Road that is helping us to do that. We would also like to love on old friends, and thus this blogsite. So to any of youwho find this, our love and peace go out to you and please give a shout(especially you Canadians) and let us know how and where you are. Blessings
In the need of wanting to converse with old friends and needing blogger validation to contact them, we are now officially opening a blog site. Of course, we weren't doing anything unofficially so........ I fear this could become addictive.(I have come nearing burning dinner already because of it).
So, we are the Antolicks. Jon, Renae, And McKinney. We love God and each other and are trying to find more people to love in our immediate surroundings. We go to a fabulous church plant here in Hastings, MN named Emmaus Road that is helping us to do that. We would also like to love on old friends, and thus this blogsite. So to any of youwho find this, our love and peace go out to you and please give a shout(especially you Canadians) and let us know how and where you are. Blessings
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