No, I haven't quit my job, at least not yet. I did however talk with my employeers and tell them that I was still having a hard time transitioning but that I wanted to give myself a little more time. Mac starts daycare next week, my hours change a little, and fall begins with is both a relfreshing and difficult time of year for me. So we shall see. I've also been reading A Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and when I run the numbers for our finances, my little income does help. And thinking that we could be debt free in 2-3 years (except for our house) if I continue working is at least a reason to work. So, things are stewing in my mind. It's going to come down to whether or not working makes our hoem happier. Up until now, it hasn't, but like I said, I want to give it a bit more time. I am also going on a women's retreat in September and I'm praying that God would open my eyes to what my purpose is and how to fulfill that.
So, that's the update. I need to go shower before work. It's been a good morning though-finished digging a new flower garden, spot cleaned the living room carpet, took Mac to the park, ran to the store for a few groceries, made a smoked fish spread, two loads of laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and am going to quick wash some pots. Funny how when you write it down it looks so impressive, but when Jon comes home tonight and asks how my day went I'll write this off as not important. Oh! There truly is always something to do and no matter how little, it makes a house a home!
Have great days!
Renae
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Thursday, August 16, 2007
yesterdays post
Thank you to everyone who responded to my rantings late last night. I can't say I'm in any more certain place at this moment, but it is so good to have friends who will interject and reflect back to me(good Neilson skills). I really needed to see these 4comments tonight when I opened the blog. A bit of hope is what I am calling it.
Today was not quite so bad, but this could be because my in-laws had been at our house for 14 hours, I was running on 5 hours of sleep and work was a haven. I still have 5 more in-law days to go, so please say a prayer for me. As much as I love my in-laws they truly drive me crazy. Jon knows this and understands and is incredibly patient with me.
I am debating on quiting or telling them exactly how I feel and asking to have one more month to see if it gets better. Should I do that though? Should I involve them in my decision at all? It would give them knowledge that might help them to prepare if I leave, but than they might treat me different. Plus, I don't really think I will feel different. Maybe, but it's been three months and it has only gotten harder, not easier. With the in-laws here, I don't want to make a rash decision-I'm also hormonal and sleep deprived and have not had a moment to have a private calm conversation with my husband. I will post again tomorrow.
Thank you everyone for your support of "I don't know" and "Just quit". Thank you thank you thank you. This is truly what I feel. It is amazing how friendship can come through the distance.
May love to you all in your own struggles. Sweet dreams on this cool starry summer night.
Renae
Today was not quite so bad, but this could be because my in-laws had been at our house for 14 hours, I was running on 5 hours of sleep and work was a haven. I still have 5 more in-law days to go, so please say a prayer for me. As much as I love my in-laws they truly drive me crazy. Jon knows this and understands and is incredibly patient with me.
I am debating on quiting or telling them exactly how I feel and asking to have one more month to see if it gets better. Should I do that though? Should I involve them in my decision at all? It would give them knowledge that might help them to prepare if I leave, but than they might treat me different. Plus, I don't really think I will feel different. Maybe, but it's been three months and it has only gotten harder, not easier. With the in-laws here, I don't want to make a rash decision-I'm also hormonal and sleep deprived and have not had a moment to have a private calm conversation with my husband. I will post again tomorrow.
Thank you everyone for your support of "I don't know" and "Just quit". Thank you thank you thank you. This is truly what I feel. It is amazing how friendship can come through the distance.
May love to you all in your own struggles. Sweet dreams on this cool starry summer night.
Renae
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
12:13am
So I've been lying in bed the past two hours like I've done every night for the past two weeks and finely decided it was no use: I am awake. Jon may be sleeping, but I am not and it is irritating to keep realizing that my mind is simply awake and it is not going to shut off any time soon. So maybe if I blog I will feel released to sleep.
I want to quit my job. I work for great people, the environment is friendly and encouraging. The benefits are good and the hours are minimal, still, I want to quit. I have decided I like being home. Yes, it is difficult to be home daily on my own with a 1 year old, but I want it back. I want my freedom to choose every day what we're going to do. I want to let him sleep when he wants and to be able to take a nap too. I want to cook my family meals every night. And mostly I just don't want to be tired and so overwhelmed at the end of a work day so that I am irritated and ungrateful for the family that I come home to and serve. Jon would be fine with me quiting, but I'm not okay with it. I feel that by quiting I am failing. I am failing to be all that so much of the world is. I am failing to be the supermom that I know some woman love being. I am disappointed by who I am- a woman who needs down time and personal space and flexibility and freedom and a very simple life. Even though I don't believe it, there's a part of me that believes that for me to be only a housewife and mother is to be lazy. I would never think it of other women, but I think it of myself. I also hate confrontation and disapointing others and I think of how this would make ripples in the office. They's have to find someone to replace me. And I know that seems miniscule but in my mind(a people pleasing mind) it is huge. And I know Mac would like to socialize with other kids at daycare which is lacking in our one child home. And the little bit of extra money does help.
But I dread working most days. Is it just not the right fit. So much of it looks so right, but it just feels wrong for me. I know that if I was hearing a friend say all of this, I would tell them it's not worth the misery, but it's so hard to take our own advice. And i beleive in God. I beleive He would make a way smooth for me to quit, would provide for our needs and bless us regardless of me working. But my faith is small, very very very small. It is hard to believe and yet God continually gives and surprises me and loves me...tenderly, gently, kindly, passionately, patiently, perfectly.
What I want right now is for someone to tell me to do something. I do not like making decisions. This could be part of the depression, or hormones, or just of me not knowing who I am anymore. But I want to know. I truly want to know. And I am beginning to take steps in the right direction. Maybe quiting will be one of those steps. I just don't know.
I want to quit my job. I work for great people, the environment is friendly and encouraging. The benefits are good and the hours are minimal, still, I want to quit. I have decided I like being home. Yes, it is difficult to be home daily on my own with a 1 year old, but I want it back. I want my freedom to choose every day what we're going to do. I want to let him sleep when he wants and to be able to take a nap too. I want to cook my family meals every night. And mostly I just don't want to be tired and so overwhelmed at the end of a work day so that I am irritated and ungrateful for the family that I come home to and serve. Jon would be fine with me quiting, but I'm not okay with it. I feel that by quiting I am failing. I am failing to be all that so much of the world is. I am failing to be the supermom that I know some woman love being. I am disappointed by who I am- a woman who needs down time and personal space and flexibility and freedom and a very simple life. Even though I don't believe it, there's a part of me that believes that for me to be only a housewife and mother is to be lazy. I would never think it of other women, but I think it of myself. I also hate confrontation and disapointing others and I think of how this would make ripples in the office. They's have to find someone to replace me. And I know that seems miniscule but in my mind(a people pleasing mind) it is huge. And I know Mac would like to socialize with other kids at daycare which is lacking in our one child home. And the little bit of extra money does help.
But I dread working most days. Is it just not the right fit. So much of it looks so right, but it just feels wrong for me. I know that if I was hearing a friend say all of this, I would tell them it's not worth the misery, but it's so hard to take our own advice. And i beleive in God. I beleive He would make a way smooth for me to quit, would provide for our needs and bless us regardless of me working. But my faith is small, very very very small. It is hard to believe and yet God continually gives and surprises me and loves me...tenderly, gently, kindly, passionately, patiently, perfectly.
What I want right now is for someone to tell me to do something. I do not like making decisions. This could be part of the depression, or hormones, or just of me not knowing who I am anymore. But I want to know. I truly want to know. And I am beginning to take steps in the right direction. Maybe quiting will be one of those steps. I just don't know.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Was there July?
I really don't remember the last month. It has been so crazy and hot. I always think I like summer, but than can't recall what I loved. Oh, okay, maybe there are a few things in general I can point to-swimming, bonfires, grilling, meals with friends...but the specifics are hazy. Maybe the heat has friend my brain.
Tuesdays are my day off, so I'm sitting here while Mac naps contemplating the good things in my life, the anxieties on my mind, and what I hope for in the future.
Good things: 1) I found a radio show on cassette that will make Jon VERY HAPPY. For those of you who grew up listening to christian childrens radio programs you may know it-The Pond. I found it at a bookstore that was going out of business and only paid $5 for 5 hours of tape. When we lived out east, Jon intraduced me to it and we'd listen to it every Saturday over breakfast. Now Mac will have that same experience as his daddy did growing up. 2) McKinney is interestedin books. At least, Curious George books. For the past 19months when we have read a book our son would kick, scream, run, throw..you name it he did it other than sit and look and listen. But two weeks ago he became enthralled with George on the TV. He wakes up saying "Jorj, Jorj" and since it's only 7am there's a who hour for him to "be introduced to math and science concepts" through Curious George. This is the first time he's shown an interest or ability to sit still and watch something(not that I'm complaining). So I was at the library past week getting some fun music for Mac and looking longingly at the books my son would avoid like the plague, and it hit me, "Try a Curious George book". So I found two and brought them home. Low and Behold, my son likes books. We read Curious George and the Dump Truck 6-10times a day, but I am just so happy he will sit and look and listen. He even looks at them by himself while I'm in the shower. So Yeah for George. I am not an advocate for marketing to children, but this is a real blessing to us. Needless to say, we will be making a trip to hte bookstore this week to purchase our own copy of Curious George and the Dump Truck. 3)Ice cream. I will buy a gallon today to go with brownies. Nothing beats ice ceam on a hot summer night.
Anxieties: 1)Daycare. Mac starts home daycare next month and I am still having a hard time thinking about it. I should be home with him. I feel that it's my job. Even though working has made me enjoy the time I have with him more, I am stuck in this should mentality. There is a part of me that truly wants to be home fulltime with him, but the rational side sees the benefits of working. So I keep lifting it up before God. 2)Finances. We have a big doctors bill from Jon's surgery and the fact that we need my income is a little stressful. I'll be honest; I'd like it if we had excess money and I could lounge around home, buy lattes, and do whatever it is I'd like to do. That's not our reality though, and it's probably a good thing it's not. God has always provided for what we need(like a $900 check last month that paid most of our credit card debt)and so I don't fret over this much. 3)August. It is a super full month. In-laws are coming, we're leaving Mac with my parents so we can go camping, 10 year reunion......just busyness. I like to have more down time. Give me rest Oh God.
Hopes: 1)I'm really looking forward to camping with Jon. We need to reconnect adn talk about where we're at in life and where we want to go. Do we want more kids, to pursue missions, to live forever in MN..life thoughts and I love being with Jon and thinking of our futre together. 2)Pondering what it means to be me. Now that the depression is moving out, I'm wondering who I am and what it means to be me. Where do I want to be in 10 years. Is being a wife and mother fulfilling me, or is there another niche that I am longing to tap into as well.
So that's me and the present moment. How I'd like a new comptuer so it wouldn't take me all of nap time to connect with my friends. Sorry about not posting pictures. I don't know if I'll ever get around to it. I will try someday, honestly. Hope you are well. We miss you immensly and dream of a time when we can all gather under the stars in a wide open space with our family and yours and reminsce about old times and establish new stories.
Our love to you all!
Renae
Tuesdays are my day off, so I'm sitting here while Mac naps contemplating the good things in my life, the anxieties on my mind, and what I hope for in the future.
Good things: 1) I found a radio show on cassette that will make Jon VERY HAPPY. For those of you who grew up listening to christian childrens radio programs you may know it-The Pond. I found it at a bookstore that was going out of business and only paid $5 for 5 hours of tape. When we lived out east, Jon intraduced me to it and we'd listen to it every Saturday over breakfast. Now Mac will have that same experience as his daddy did growing up. 2) McKinney is interestedin books. At least, Curious George books. For the past 19months when we have read a book our son would kick, scream, run, throw..you name it he did it other than sit and look and listen. But two weeks ago he became enthralled with George on the TV. He wakes up saying "Jorj, Jorj" and since it's only 7am there's a who hour for him to "be introduced to math and science concepts" through Curious George. This is the first time he's shown an interest or ability to sit still and watch something(not that I'm complaining). So I was at the library past week getting some fun music for Mac and looking longingly at the books my son would avoid like the plague, and it hit me, "Try a Curious George book". So I found two and brought them home. Low and Behold, my son likes books. We read Curious George and the Dump Truck 6-10times a day, but I am just so happy he will sit and look and listen. He even looks at them by himself while I'm in the shower. So Yeah for George. I am not an advocate for marketing to children, but this is a real blessing to us. Needless to say, we will be making a trip to hte bookstore this week to purchase our own copy of Curious George and the Dump Truck. 3)Ice cream. I will buy a gallon today to go with brownies. Nothing beats ice ceam on a hot summer night.
Anxieties: 1)Daycare. Mac starts home daycare next month and I am still having a hard time thinking about it. I should be home with him. I feel that it's my job. Even though working has made me enjoy the time I have with him more, I am stuck in this should mentality. There is a part of me that truly wants to be home fulltime with him, but the rational side sees the benefits of working. So I keep lifting it up before God. 2)Finances. We have a big doctors bill from Jon's surgery and the fact that we need my income is a little stressful. I'll be honest; I'd like it if we had excess money and I could lounge around home, buy lattes, and do whatever it is I'd like to do. That's not our reality though, and it's probably a good thing it's not. God has always provided for what we need(like a $900 check last month that paid most of our credit card debt)and so I don't fret over this much. 3)August. It is a super full month. In-laws are coming, we're leaving Mac with my parents so we can go camping, 10 year reunion......just busyness. I like to have more down time. Give me rest Oh God.
Hopes: 1)I'm really looking forward to camping with Jon. We need to reconnect adn talk about where we're at in life and where we want to go. Do we want more kids, to pursue missions, to live forever in MN..life thoughts and I love being with Jon and thinking of our futre together. 2)Pondering what it means to be me. Now that the depression is moving out, I'm wondering who I am and what it means to be me. Where do I want to be in 10 years. Is being a wife and mother fulfilling me, or is there another niche that I am longing to tap into as well.
So that's me and the present moment. How I'd like a new comptuer so it wouldn't take me all of nap time to connect with my friends. Sorry about not posting pictures. I don't know if I'll ever get around to it. I will try someday, honestly. Hope you are well. We miss you immensly and dream of a time when we can all gather under the stars in a wide open space with our family and yours and reminsce about old times and establish new stories.
Our love to you all!
Renae
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