The story I'm about to tell is not pretty, but it is true. I tell this with some trembling, but mainly because my soul spills over today with the need to be honest with myself. I hope that in the process there will be healing and comfort not only for myself and my son, but for other mothers out there who may find themselves in a similar situaiton. Knowing we are not alone is a powerful Peace.
Getting pregnant was easy. Pregnancy was emotional and draining(I puked daily for 8 months). Labor was long but fulfilling. Mothering has been my deepest joy and my daily horror.
Our son is 14 months old and all boy. He is cheerful and busy and a good night sleeper. He loves tupperware and trucks and running outside. But even though he is a wonderful little man, I have many days where I wish he would nap all day so I could pretend I am not a mother. This sounds harsh, but hear me. I do not wish to feel this way, but it is the truth. Today is particularly bad; and he is oh so good.
My sons birth was wonderous but he had some very high needs to due to Reflux which caused him to scream and vomit all hours of the day. Even with medication for him there was only mild improvement. Nursing was a nightmare with his screaming after just a few minutes of sucking and vomiting everywhere. I was suppose to be my little guys comfort, but it felt like I was making him worse. I would break down every night in the tub for 20minutes and than try to compose myself for Jon's homecoming. Mothering had been my dream. Staying home with my babies had been my unending hope, but nothing was going as I had planned. I quit nursing at 14 weeks. I didn't want to hold him. I hardly wanted to see him. People would ask, "don't you just love being a mother?" and I would smile but inside I was screaming "NO! It's a nightmare." I would look at him and think "he's beautiful and I know I must love him, but if I could go back and choose differently, he wouldn't be here." I wanted to want my child, but every morning I woke up to his cry praying I could just stay in bed. I would meet all of his basic needs, but there was little more in me to give him. I pushed myself to play with him, take him for a walk, sing or read to him. Everything was a struggle and I hated myself for it. My child deserved better than me for a mother. Finally when he was 9 months old I broke down while taking a walk and realized that I couldn't pretend anymore and that I was missing out on life and my son was missing out on his mother. I called a friend who directed me to a counselor and 2 days later I found myself at the therapists giving voice to all my darkest emotions. It was aweful and freeing. It's hard, even now to admit my reality. In the course of a few sessions we realized that I had been dealing with a mild form of depression for 4 years prior to my pregnancy due to post-tramatic stress from a specific life situation. After the birth came postpartum depression, which, with my sons high needs, did not help us to bond well. Therapy has been a light in the darkness.
It has all been a long, hard, and difficult journey. It is agonizing at times, but I have hope in God's ability to use this all for good. I praise him daily for making children so resilient and for giving me grace to begin again each morning. I pray that there will come a day when I am ecstatic over the gift of being a mother and being home with my son. It would be easy to put my child in daycare and not have to face these feelings on a minute to minute basis, but I know that God made ME McKinneys mother for a reason and despite my numerous flaws and lack of being the perfect mother, He wants me with him. Even my poor attempts at loving are filling this little one with peace, security, and faith. I also know that I am becoming the woman God has promised to make me through this; the woman I want to be. Parenting McKinney is birthing in me the virtues that I long for. Without him, well...I can't imagine who I would still be.
I don't know what I will tell him when he is older. My whole life and mind had wanted this child, but my emotions didn't when the days came. There are ups and downs even now. I know this is part of the depression-it's not of me-but it is hard to separate them. I want my son now, although there are still those days of emotions that don't measure up. Today is one of those days and I grieve for my son and for myself while I cling to my heavenly Father's great arms around us. I don't know if we will have more children. I had dreamed of 3-5, but I right now I would be pretending to say that I want another. Right now I can't face feeling again what I've felt with McKinney.
May you and I love our children this day, and, if it's too difficult, trust in a greater Love to enfold us.
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Hey, Renae, thank you for sharing your heart and being so honest. It is hard to open up to the public like this, and face so many psossible riducles for what you just mentioned. I know, because I am there, as well. I have been suffering from PPD since I had my son, but it eased up quite a bit during the pregnancy with my daughter, but came back full-force and triple-time the day she turned 6 weeks. We thought everything would be fine the second time around, because we thought I had PPD with my son because of the overly-traumatic birth (which resulted in a NICU stay for him). So when our daughter's birth went like a dream, and I was on cloud nine for weeks afterwards, we thought we were in the clear, and not just safe from PPD, but CURED from the previous round. I had never felt so elated in my life! But then, the day I returned to work, out of nowhere, BAM! Debilitating PPD. To the point where my doctor ordered me IN WRITING that I can not work, and he wrote the letter to my boss and human resources at the hospital where I worked. Both of my kids actually have the reflux as well. Jadon's worsened at about 10 months, and Amberly started off pretty bad, but is gradually getting better. She's been pretty bad the last several weeks. Anyway...I tried to fight through the PPD after Amberly, on my own, because my insurance changed between the two kids, and no counselors would take my new insurance now. I also started taking anti-depressants, but the only types I can take are not proven safe for breastfeeding (and I refused to give up the one thing that made me feel connected to my baby), and seemed to really bother her when I started taking them. So I quit three days later, and fought the illness alone (with the support of my husband only). Now, here I am, 9 months later, and I just started on a new medication last monday. It is helping some, and Amberly seems to be adjusting to the medication (via my breastmilk). It's a horrible thing to go through. And all the counselling and medication in the world will never completely cure it. It can takes years of healing, but with a solid support of family and friends, life can get a little easier. I have my bad days, too. Just last week I sat on the bed and bawled to my husband that the meds weren't working and that I didn't know how I was going to make it through another day. But knowing that this will not last forever is somewhat encouraging. Knowing that the cause of my over-reactive emotions is the PPD is encouraging as well -- that I'm not going to be a nut for the rest of my life!! It's horrible to feel so hopeless and helpless some days, I know! And I know that there are some days when nothing helps! And I know that there are some days when you feel like a horrible mother for all of the above! But you're not! And he knows you're not! And we all know that you're not! And from one PPD mom to another, know that this, too, will pass, though the road is long and hard. You will always be your son's hero and favorite human being, no matter how terrible you may feel...and he will always love you like he will never love any other human being. His love for you is unconditional...it's amazing how our children, even so young, are such an incredible reflection of the love that Christ has for us!
I hope I made a little bit of sense to you...I just wanted to let you know that you truly are not alone...and that I suffer with you. I know it's one thing to hear from "professionals" that "you are not alone", but I am telling you, as one who is currently a PPD mom, that you REALLY are not alone!! Thanks, again, for braving your heart for the world to see. May God bring peace and healing to you soon! If you ever need to talk, or email, or comment or...whatever you want, shoot me an email at hadfield531@hotmail.com...God bless you today, Renae!
Thanks Kayla,
I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering from PPD as well. Currently, I am not on any meds because I believe that a big part of it is from post-traumatic stress and I want to see if working through that with the therapist will do the trick-it's helping, but slowly. There are definately times when I wonder if it would be a good idea, and that is something I will talk with my therapist and husband about too. Really, I've been feeling pretty good this last month, but today is hard for some reason. I'm sorry to hear about your kids having reflux too. Mac's started getting better around 7 months and now he only takes meds occasionally-usually while teething we see a flair up. We try to keep acidic foods to a minimum and are cautious with different textures-he's pretty sensitive. Have you ever visted www.reflux.org? That site saved my sanity many times. Anyway, good to hear from you and I may take you up on the email offer. Have a good day.
Hey Renae,
I already love your blog. Just want you to know that there is no judgement coming from this particular reader---I know what it is to force oneself to carry on when one feels completely like a stranger in one's own life. Even despite the bad days I am certain that your Mac is lucky to have you for a mother.
Jo, Glad you're enjoying this. Writing has always been healing for me. Interesting choice of words-"stranger in one's own life"-Sums it up very well. I hope that you are, at this time, feeling "first person" in your own life.
Hi Renae,
I read your post yesterday, and I have been thinking about it a lot. I have a love and a respect for you honesty. I was talking to Ben about it, and I told him that one of my fears is that I might end up with PPD someday when we have children. I've become so accustomed to working full time as a teacher and to being able to come and go as I please, that I worry that having a baby will affect me in some way. I want to be a mom so desperately, and I too would love to stay at home with my children. I guess I'll just have to wait in the Lord's timing to see what my circumstances will be. In the meantime, I am praying and rooting for you.
another reader thanks you for the honesty. i'm finding motherhood to be the most difficult, fulfilling, horrific and wonderful role yet. your recent post touched me. thank you.
Renae. Count me in too! I too was diagnosed with PPD when our daughter was 2 months old. I went on medication and immediate counseling (post-traumatic stress, birth/high needs issues too!) and found much relief with that combo.
It will get better- though some days I know that is hard/impossible to see. Mya is now 2 1/2 and I have been off the meds for a year and half. It is now completely behind me, though I chose to remember it and use the experience to speak out to other moms who face it.
I actually count it a blessing to have come through. I was forced to learn to some very needed realities early on in becoming a mother (letting go of the 'superwoman' mentality and learning to be okay with that), that had I not faced PPD I'm sure I would have struggled with for years and years to come. Some of these same issues are brought to me by stressed out moms who coincidentally have not struggled with PPD, but do struggle with trying to be a 'successful' mom.
Becoming a mom proved to be 10 times harder than anyone ever told me, but 100 times better that I could have fathomed - all balled up into the same joyous yet frustrating, completely content, but usually self-doubting emotion.
It's so important that as women we support each other and stop pretending that we've got it all under control and figured out. Thanks for doing that today. I'll be praying that your anxiety would be replaced with exhilarating freedom and joy, your tears would be replaced with fits of laughter, your guilt would be replaced with peace and acceptance of who you are - just as you are, and your personal expectations replaced with a comfortable satisfaction.
I love your last line:
"May you and I love our children this day, and, if it's too difficult, trust in a greater Love to enfold us."
P.S. My daughter had severe reflux too, major trouble nursing, and intolerances to formula - interesting connection........
I was never diagnosed with PPD, but sometimes find myself with the same feelings you described in your post. Being a mom has been my dream, and yet has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Thanks for your honesty!
P.S. Love the recipe of the week idea!!!
Renae,
I finally got over to your blog today while Danielle is napping. I love how you write- your transparency. This post and all the previous comments have really helped me today.
Nobody could have prepraed me for the shock that I have received from becoming a mother- how hard it is! I am still quite an emotional basket case- don't know if it is because of sleep deprivation still or other baby blues. It has been a difficult road so far as I have not been able to produce enough for her to be adequately fed, so have supplemented with formula. Lots of feelings of inadequacy there...
Working with a lactation consultant to improve these things. REading other friend's experiences make me count my blessings though and also helps me realize it is normal for it to be this hard and it is normal for me to have the (what I think are horrible) emotions and feelings that I do.
I liked your progression. for me, it was that getting pregnant was a challenge, but exciting. Being pregnant was increasingly difficult and exhausting, but exciting. Labor was the hardest thing I had ever done, but exciting. Being a mother- tops it all, is harder than ANYTHING else, sucks at times, but is 200% worth every exhausted or overwhelmed feeling. All of these feelings and struggles I"m having right now- I know they're normal and it's been refreshing to hear it from others.
Thanks!
Hi to Jon from us!
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