McKinney is having surgery on Friday. It is minor, out-patient surgery for a dermoid over his eye. It will only take 45min and most patients have little discomfort other than a black eye after the procedure.
Still, we are sick with worry. Yes, we have a God who takes care of us and loves McKinney more perfectly than we ever can. Yes, He wants the best for us and plans good for our lives. Yes, He is with us in this moment and will be with us in those to come. Yes, He is in control and understands and meets us where we are at. Yes, everything will probably be fine.
And still, we are sick with worry.
He is our child. Our son.
I just keep thinking, what if this is the last week that I have to hold him and give him a bottle and tuck him in and see his bright smile and hear his fake laugh or his deep belly laugh or put his pj's on him or feed him spaghetti and take him for a walk to the park. What if this is the last tantrum, last dirty diaper, last med dash to keep him out of the street, last feeling og dread when he screams in the store......last time I put on his baby shoes and last onesie.....one last baby Mac kiss.
I know things will most likely be "right as rain" but I have always had a propensity toward dark daydreams of reality, and this is honestly the worst I've ever had. This is the gut wrenching, how would I go on with my life type feeling. I am scared.
And I'm also scared because in the midst of all my loving and worry, I think to myself, maybe I would go on and be okay. Parenting has not been a cakewalk and mothering has often felt truly aweful due to postpartum, so maybe not being a mother anymore would be freeing. That sounds morbid but I'm being very honest and in the moment here with you all who may be up reading a random woman's confession at midnight.
I know though that it wouldn't be that simple. No matter what happens, I will always be a mother to McKinney. He is a part of me. He is my heart-tightness tonight and I don't ever want to be without him. I love him. I love him.....and I want till the ends of the earth and longer to tell that too him.
This life is not in our hands, but His. Please pray a prayer for us this night, that we would be close to His heart, curled up in His hands, at peace with His heartbeat, and trusting in whatever He deems best for our future. Thank you.
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5 comments:
Count me in! That little boy will be surrounded in prayer coming from this Hadfield house! What time is is surgery?
Surgery is at 8:45am. I am feeling less this bleak this morning and a bit more rational about it all and Who God is.
Oh Renae, I know how emotions add to fear and worry! I'm glad that Lord is showing you His big arms and you are feeling a bit more secure about His protection over your little guy. But I'll still be praying for all of you!!!!
"Fear not, for I am with you....I will uphold you with my righteous hand." NO worries...our God is bigger than any minor or major surgery.
renae, your family will be in my thoughts. but i have to say-- your "morbid" (realistic) thougts struck a chord because i've thought of similar things with olivia. you articulated them very well, and even now i'm bumbling as i write a response.
thanks for being authentic.
Prayed for your little guy during his surgery today! Looking forward to hearing how everything went! Update us when you can!
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