I'm Awake

I just finished talking long distance with a friend, than was washing my face thinking that my bathroom stunk like urine. "Did Mac pee on the floor at bathtime? Maybe it's coming from the drain. I need to have Jon fix that, it's been slow recently. Could I make a spiritual analogy about standing in dirty shower water because of a slow drain? I should post that on my blog. Remember when my toilet didn't have the power to flush down a big poop and I thought, God's toilet never backs up; it's big enough to handle all my poop. I should go to bed. But I'm awake."

I have this thing about needing to be in bed if everyone else is in bed. I'll lay there all night sometimes thinking I should just get up, but I can't because I'm suppose to be in bed because everyone else is in bed. I do not understand this compulsion, but tonight I am fighting it. Jon and McKinney are snoring and they'll never know-they wouldn't care if they did. What is my issue with it? Why can't I get up in my own house and wander around and do whatever I want freely? I think I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin. Plus, I value sleep and every minute I'm not in bed will definately not be spent sleeping. I am always on edge. I can be dead tired, but I would never fall asleep if I thought someone might stop by, or if someone is in the next room-even if I'm very sick. I am always on the alert. I have to be ready...for something that never happens..... Tonight I was lying in my bed trying to get McKinney to go to sleep while our group was downstairs talking and I was so tired and knew that no one would mind if I just fell asleepwith my dear little son, but I couldn't do it. I just couldn't.
I'm throwing caution to the wind now though. At night I have my best thoughts-or maybe not the best, but the most open-ended, wondering, searching, freeing ability to write all that I'm rambling on in my mind and my heart.

Tonight was our Monday meal gathering. Some people from our church get together at our house and eat dinner and talk and laugh and sometimes focus on something from the Bible or Christian life. It's been a wonderful experience. We look forward to Mondays the most of all days and the people who come have been becoming friends. My friend who called tonight was asking how that happened, and I just honestly don't know. It just happened. We all were looking for the same thing-authenticity and daily living life together and somehow it happened. We're not all best friends-at least not yet-but I trust them and enjoy their company and know that they honestly care about me and my family and I care about theirs. I guess I could just label it grace.

On the matter of friends: I long for a best friend. I should preface that-a best GIRL friend. Jon is definately my bestfriend. But I don't know that I've ever had a best girlfriend. There have been good friends, but no one who I've been completely comfortable and honest with, and who has felt the same with me. I long for someone who lives near me, who can go to the park with me and McKinney, who can see me in sweats unshowered and I am unashamed. Someone to call up when our kids are being so gosh darn funny, and someone to complain too when the kids are being pains in the ....... Someone who questions themselves, fears the worst, hopes for the best, laughs at life, and smiles. I think I'll take out a personal ad. Why has this been such a difficult thing for me? Why have I always felt like the odd woman out? I know they say that if you have one best friend in life you're lucky, but I guess I just want in on that kind of luck. Blogging is a great therapy for me, but it's not the same as a voice on the telephone, or a hand patting mine over a cup of tea. My friends of long ago, and those yet to be, " I appreciate who you are in my life and I don't discount you because we were not bestfriends, but I pray for you and myself that there is someone out there who will laugh with you and occasionally at you-someone who will share the very marrow of life with you."
That is my dream this night.

Side note: still waiting on a job-another chiro position in the works...we'll see, we'll see...Have patience...

Dark night
quiet house
me and a cup of tea
Off to bed