Sleepless days is the title of the book I am currently reading by Susan Kushner Resnick. For all of you out there who have or are suffering from postpartum-READ THIS BOOK. And for those of you who aren't are didn't-READ THIS BOOK. My insides are aching with understanding and tears threaten to overwhelm me.
Last week was hell. I seethed through every day. Was bitter, angry, hateful. Jon had hernia surgery the Friday before mother's day and I was left on that "glorious" day of celebration to fend for myself with a toddler who wouldn't understand why Daddy(his bestfriend) wouldn't allow him to climb all over him. I was just so unreasonably angry. The funk lasted until this past Saturday when Jon left for a fishing trip and I, unable to go back to sleep at 5am had 3 glorious hours to myself to drink coffee and start reading "the power of a praying parent" which I'd purchased over 8 months ago. A switch went off and I've felt like my split personality of peace and joy ever since. I think I may be ready to medicate the depression. I am so afriad that I won't know when the PPD ends and the depression begins. I am so tired of the dark undercurrent that bubbles up when life seems brightest. I just want the anxiety and heaviness to leave completely. I want to be free. I want to find out who I really am. I want to be free to love Jon and McKinney and the whole rest of life without doubting that love.
This is my life today.
Also, I need a sitter for Friday so I can go to work. I found a great job. Now I need a little help with childcare.
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4 comments:
Oh Renae, I totally understand what you're going through. In Feb of this year I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression (started in high school and became very evident after having the girls, Abby especially). Mark and I prayed about which route to take as far as treatment, and soon after went to see my doctor. In March I began my medication. Renae, the change in me (and in turn, in my sweet family) has been and continues to be amazing. The anxiety and heaviness that you spoke of is far too familiar, but now, I don't feel it anymore. It's gone! No more dark undercurrent either. I AM free, and you can be too. Don't put it off any longer. Call your doctor today. It's the best thing that you can do for yourself AND for your family. I'll be praying for you my dear Renae. If you ever want to chat, let me know.
yeah, depression is no joke. i tried meds once, but they made me sick. (turns out the particular reason i get depressed is if i spend too much time alone--lonliness; feeling uprooted and disconnected). i recommend trying meds though, they have helped a tonne of seminarians that i know...Christians suffer from depression, and I don't think we should feel guilty/ashamed about it. it is not necessarily connected to a spiritually malignant condition as many in our circles would have us believe.
Hey girl! Sounds like you found yourself a good book at the right time. Toddlers are fun, but it is nice to have a break when you need one. Glad I found your blog... It is great to hear how y'all have been doing!
Gwyn
Hey Renae...I'm glad you're able to make the decision to take the meds. I wish I could be strong enough to do it. I think the selfish part of me is still been my biggest obstacle in my decision. What do I mean? I gained 25 pounds in 4 weeks when I started taking my meds (Although I had lost 39 in the prior THREE, but I had just given birth after gaining those 39 during pregnancy...) I then became depressed over that, so it was a round robin for me. I took one med after amberly which actually made me LOSE weight, and it was great! But my insurance didn't cover it and the samples ran out, and the next step was a new med and back came the weight...I wish I could just sacrifice my selfish goal of being thin (hopefully someday again) and stop sacrificing my family instead. I'm pregnant again so I can't take anything once again, but I am really praying for a miracle in that I am healed of the PPD and that I don't go through it AGAIN with my third baby. I'm getting too worn out for this! I was actually in the car the other day, plagued by the memory of a news article I had read a few years ago about a horrible situation with a newborn baby and a dog that left the baby dead. All I could picture in my head was that scene happening over and over, and I could hear that baby's cries and screams, with no one there to save her...(this is where I struggle most with PPD...news and fears of harming my own children, acidentally, of course). I was ready to have a panic attack, because the images were SO overwhelming in my mind, that I just didn't know what to do. I was in the car alone, and I finally just screamed, "BY THE BLOOD OF JESUS CHRIST WHO DIED FOR ME, I COMMAND YOU TO GET BEHIND ME SATAN!" Then I followed that by a pleading pray for God to deliver me from the bonds of this depression, and I kid you not...it was...well...almost indescribable. I felt like a wind went through my body...like a rush of cool air. Goosebumps stood on my arms and I felt IMMEDIATE peace. I have never felt anything like that before! This was just on Tuesday night, and now it's Friday night and I have not felt this good in a LOOOONG TIME (and I am even pregnant, financially stressed, moving tomorrow and...I feel great!)! I tell you this, Renae, to encourage you to not accept this as permanent, and to have the boldness to declare victory of Satan's attempts at hindering healing. I am praying that God will wrap you in a blanket of peace as He did for me that horrible night...and that you will continue to feel His presence as you walk this path of life. God bless you, Renae, for having the strength to take the step towards medication to protect your precious family. I can only hope that I will one day have that courage if I ever have to battle this full-blown again! Thank you for sharing your heart!
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